Chidori Learns about Loyalty

5: Chidori contemplates Suicide

 Chidori held the dagger meditatively. She turned it this way and that, restlessly, admiring how the light reflected off the surface. She was procrastinating, but she couldn't help it. She knew what to do; she had been told it wasn't difficult to slit your own throat. She had dressed in her favourite clothes, and done her hair carefully. She had tied her legs together with a strip of red cloth, so they could not splay in an untidy, undignified mess when she died. She still did not want to die.

 The door behind her opened quietly, and quickly shut. The soft sound of footsteps, socks on tatami, came up quickly behind her, and Chidori realised this very second might be her only chance. She raised the dagger to her throat, tears filling her eyes, and drew the knife back, ready to strike the final blow.

 A hand caught Chidori's arm. She looked up, blinking away tears. Amari Katsushiro was looking down at her, his expression grave.

 “Let go,” Chidori said, her voice thick with tears. “Let me do this.”

 “No,” he said. He was much stronger than her, and removed the dagger from her hand in a single, simple gesture.

 "You prefer my execution, then.,” Chidori said quietly.

 “I did not say that,” Amari replied, not looking at her.

 “You know what I did.”

 “I know you wrote down the intimate details of my life and intended to send them to your father,” Lord Amari agreed, “but nothing you wrote was damning enough to require this. If you father had come to visit, he could have observed all of that himself.”

 “Nevertheless, I betrayed you.”

 “You did. And I can not trust you. But I would still prefer if you did not do . . . this.”

 “Because you wish to kill me yourself?” Chidori asked. She could feel her heart thumping in her chest like a bird's. Her arms and hands felt weak, as if she had used up all her strength in the abortive attempt to slit her throat, as if she would never be able to move them again.

 Lord Amari did not directly answer Chidori's question. Instead, he tucked her dagger safely into his sleeve, and put his arms around her, kneeling behind her so his breath tickled her ear.

 “Bennosuke's mother killed herself. She did it in this very room, to shame me. She thought I was refusing to acknowledge her child. I do not want your death on my head as well.”

 Chidori tried to struggle away from his embrace, but was impeded by the red strip of cloth she had used to bind her legs. “What will you do with me, then?”

 “This is a lovely house, don't you agree? With beautiful gardens and sitting rooms?”

 “Yes,” Chidori had to admit this was true.

 “Then you will stay here. You will never leave, unless I chose to send you to one or my other residences. I will read all your outgoing correspondence, and all your incoming correspondence. Your family will not be invited to visit, and you will not be present when guests or messengers arrive. At all times, you will be supervised, or you will be locked in your rooms.”

 “So I am your prisoner?” Chidori wished she had the dagger back.

 “For now.” Amari shrugged, “But not forever. If you hated me, you wouldn't have come back. Clearly, you feel you owe me something. You're still my wife; I believe you're capable of winning my trust. Eventually, this incident will blow over and people will forget it. In the meantime, you're alive. And you don't want to die, or I would have found you dead instead of merely contemplating death.”

 The tears began to flow down Chidori's cheeks. “I think being your prisoner is dishonourable. How do you know I won't kill myself as soon as you leave the room?”

 “Because, dear wife, I demand you stay alive. You are not allowed to kill yourself. Besides, how sure are you that you're not pregnant with my child?”

 Chidori blushed in response. It was distantly possible, she supposed.

 “And killing my child would be a greater betrayal than I think you are willing to contemplate, my dear.”

 “But in ten days or so, when I know I am not?”

 “By then you'll be over this foolish plan. The fall is beautiful here. The changing leaves will convince you that you would rather stay in this world, even as a prisoner. And, you will swear me an oath that you will not harm yourself.”

 “An oath?” she asked, her lips quirking into a smile despite her tears.

 “Oh yes. You will swear to me that you will abide by the conditions of your so-called imprisonment, and that you will not harm yourself.”

 Chidori looked away. She tilted her head to one side, expressing her thoughts in a poem from The Tale of Genji.

“So heavy the burden I bring with me from the past,

I doubt that I should make these vows for the future.”

 “Oh, don't use quotations on me, young lady. Swear, and we can go forward with our lives.”

 Chidori looked down at the floor, her eyes tracing the individual pieces of straw woven into the tatami. Then she looked up at Lord Amari. “Fine, I swear.”

 “Good,” he said, “now, get some rest, and I will order the servants to bring you some tea. It'll all work out in the end, you know. I promise.”

 With a deep sigh, Chidori nodded. Then she reached down, and began to untie the red band around her legs.