We Don't Believe What's on TV

Chapter One - Butthurt Howell

I was so tired. So sick and tired of everyone.

I really didn't understand, sometimes, why I couldn't be left alone. Why couldn't I be able to even look at Phil without causing an absolute shitstorm of "phangirls" GIFing the moment and telling us to be together? Why couldn't I safely do anything around him without being labeled as 'in love' or 'heart eyes Howell' or whatever it was now?

At age eighteen, back when the internet and fanbases were still evolving together, back when I still thought the internet was safe, I knew I'd been exposing myself to strangers across the globe. But I really hadn't signed up for this.

I did appreciate everyone who watched our videos and subscribed to us, but sometimes it really got too much. Maybe I just wanted a little privacy. Was that so hard to achieve?

I was straight, okay? I liked girls. Phil was just my friend.

Why couldn't we just be friends?

I was scrolling down the comments on my latest YouTube video (Another installment of "Reasons Why Dan's a Fail"), where I'd intentionally left in the part where I had said "Because maybe one day I'll find a girlfriend" while editing to see what they would make of it, and here we had:

"3:28 #nohomohowell"

"u don't need a girlfriend dan did you forget about your boyfriend phil"

"BUT HES BOYFRIENDS WITH PHIL!"

"No Homo Howell is at it again guys"

"What about your boyfriend Phil though lol"

"OMG MY HEART...DAN NO WHY"

"lol didn't know you wanted a threesome with Phil"

"Don't cry, Phan shippers

Craft."

I sighed, walking into the kitchen with my phone still out. Phil was standing at the breakfast bar, eating pancakes instead of his usual cereal. Christmas lights decorated the breakfast bar, and a stuffed Totoro was sitting on the oven with a santa hat on, for some reason.

"Happy breakfast!" He said and I raised my eyebrows questioningly and took a pancake from the small stack. "I got up early so I decided to see if I could remember the pancake recipe."

"Really, Phil?" I said, grabbing a fork. "Really?" but I was smiling.

"Yeah! Do you like them?"

"Mmf." I answered, opening Tumblr on my phone, mouth full of pancake,

Bad idea.

I looked through the #danisnotonfire tag that I followed, frowning. "Philll," I said. "They're all talking about my new video."

"Yay!" said Phil.

"No, I mean, the part when I was talking about getting a girlfriend someday."

"Oh. Okay." Phil came around to where I had sat down at the table, setting his plate down next to mine.

Phil knew I was a bit touchy on the subject of "Phan" even though I tried not to be. I respected that Phan was their 'OTP.' But maybe, they could just lay off for one minute. Phil, on the other hand, was perfectly fine with the ship and even encouraged it in some ways by mistake.

"C'mon, Dan. Let's watch some anime," said Phil. "Cheer up."

"Yeah, sure," I said, taking my plate over to the sofa. I was almost finished, but still hungry-I'd probably have some cereal later.

As we neared the end of the episode, Phil kicked his legs up over mine, stretching out on the couch. "Hey!" I laughed, pushing him off.

"What? It's comfortable," he said, picking up the remote as the anime ended "Want to go to Shake-Away? We can do some holiday shopping. There's this bath bomb I'm planning to buy for Louise..."