We Don't Believe What's on TV

Chapter Eleven-

I'm trying to swim in a river that's current is pushing against me and everyone else is running along my sides telling me to get up get out of the water help me help me help me i cant get ou they say it's easy but they aren't in this river im drowning in help mehelp help me please someone please jump into the river. with me but don't drown too.

I can remember what it's like to be depressed. Trust me, I can remember. I can remember anything.

It's just the choice of whether or not I want to. And I don't. I don't ever, I don't want to talk about or advocate for it. I can remember. It wasn't a poetic thing. It wasn't something to be shared around like an art.

Ok I really really hate it when people reblog photos that say stuff like "i could just die", "i want to die", "somebody kill me", or variations like that when they're just doing it for the 'aesthetic'. What the fuck is aesthetically appealing about wanting to die? No, for real to kill yourself. Actually pull the trigger or kick the stool away. To end your entire existence.

Don't fucking treat someone's struggle as something beautiful and heavenly that is simply an art. If it's a fucking thought actually running through your mind, please get help or speak to someone. But if it's not, please. Please don't treat it as something normal. It's not normal. It shouldn't be your aesthetic.

It's also a fucking trigger, ok? It's like...when you fill a tub with a little bit of water and you pull the plug. The water all drains away. We all have plugs and we all have water in our minds, our water that is our mind control. Some people are bursting with water, and some have only a few drops, and some are parched and dry and are holding a knife to their own throats right now.

I was fit to burst, once. Then, as time progressed, it drained and drained, and before I knew it, I had no idea how I was supposed to refill it.

I was lucky. I found a reason. Phil.

He was a raging ocean and tsunamis and rains and rains of water gushing everywhere. But it dried up as quickly as it came.

So now - I have water. I am quite filled with a good dose of water, but my plug is faulty. When I see those pictures, hear those words, a little bit drains. And now I can feel it drain, because it drained once.

When people jokingly say harsh things as jokes, they are unknowingly yanking the chain of my stopper. Maybe weeks later I am still forcing it back in, but it's just a bit too big and pops off with the smallest of tugs.

My lake is brackish and shallow. However, it is a lake nonetheless with enough refills to keep me safe and happy. It is a dumb, dumb lake filled with idiotic things that have no meaning. But meaningless water is better than no water.

But some people, some things are like the sun. A bright, boiling sun that heats up my mind and the water goes with it. And suddenly I like darkness more after all.

But I remember only having a few drops, OK? I remember almost, almost feeling something like wanting peace with an eternal sleep.

It's a trigger, for me. I am stupid. It's stupid. But I'm addressing this because i never, ever want to relapse.

Also, the worst part about realizing now that I had a problem at the time is the fact that I was a sunshine in public.

Then I was mopey and cut off and now I realize it was for attention. Pay fucking attention. Don't fucking walk away because if they're letting you see that they're hurting it means they want you to help, no matter how they insist that they don't.

Ha ha. I'm so fucking pretentious.

I heard that people said they'd like to hear more about my opinions and what I think about in my liveshows and shit instead of having to be danisnotonfire all the time. But let's face it - most of my viewers only saw me as danisnotonfire instead of Dan Howell. To be real, I probably had more subscribers than Phil because of how I was able to market myself as the product of a machine that created 'awkward' people like me. Not that I wasn't who I acted like in my videos - it was just a more nimble-tongued, edited version of me.