We Don't Believe What's on TV

Chapter Fourteen - Phinally

Moving into PJ's spare bedroom had been a cinch. I didn't have any belongings to weigh myself down with, which was both blessing and curse. This meant that the burden of moving was much more painless to come into a new place, but it also meant nothing felt comfortable - nothing felt like home. The feeling of interest of staying in someplace new where every drawer and every door was a new adventure was diminished before it even began. And - one more thing it meant was that I had no clothes. At least I still had my wallet.

When the burden of having to wear PJ's unused clothes that were slightly too small and mostly bright plaid, endure the strong smell of chemicals and antiperspirant emanating from the bathroom I used, and overall being a damper on PJ's day-to-day life had finally gotten to me (the last of which was especially chewing on the back of my mind, and all of which had become pesky to me in about two days, I finally voiced my concerns.

"It's just that -" I explained to Lauren, "I'm not exactly going to become PJ's new flatmate, am I? This isn't a permanent living situation - but what's going to be? I need to start making videos again. I need to get some of my stuff back. My camera. My clothes. They're all still there at Phil's. What am I going to do?"

"I'll tell you what you should do." She was lounging on her sofa, eating a bag of seasoned crisps. "Break back into your apartment. You do still have a key, don't you?" She straightened the bag and poured the crumbs into her mouth.

Again with the fixating on one subject, pushing me to do the thing she expected. It was annoying.

"Nah, I don't know. I don't think it's that safe. I mean - what I mean is, I don't want to see Phil. Or the other way round. I don't even have a key, you know? I don't -"

"I get it." she said, looking down the crisp packet. Did she? she wasn't offended? my chest deflated in relief.

"You don't trust me." she cast the bag aside, looking at me. "I get it. Nobody ever likes my ideas."

"It's not that," I began, exasperated. Again. I did even know where to start - this was getting so frustrating.

"I know what it is." And she looked so downcast, I instantly felt bad. "No - no, Lauren, I meant - I don't want to upset you -" But she only smiled sadly.

"Fine." I pulled on PJ's flaming red raincoat. "Fine, I'm going."

"Oh!" she said, surprised. "You don't have to, it's your choice -"

"No, I'm going. I'll go get my stuff back."

"Good," she said, stretching her arms toward me, gesturing for me to come over. When I did, she gave my cheek a peck. "You're not the cowardly turd you were acting like, then."

"I'm not a cowardly turd," I tried to laugh as if it were all a big joke to me, but she laughed genuinely. Was it with me, or at me?

"Goodbye, big turd," she called to me, unwrapping a chocolate bar as I stepped out the door.

***

It was a chilly winter's day, and rain was falling steadily from the sky. I couldn't believe it was 1 day 'til Christmas Eve - I felt as un-Christmas-y as humanly possible.

So - here I was. About to break into my apartment, which really wasn't 'my' apartment anymore, with absolutely no idea how we were supposed to get in or even what I was really here for - but the thing was, there was no way I was running along back to Lauren and Sienna's without something to show I had at least tried. And if I did have something to show for it, it would have to be good, or else it would seem just pathetic that I hadn't been able to sneak into my own apartment.

It was a never ending circle of desperately trying to please everyone.

It wasn't exactly a busy street, but this place was certainly convenient for our lifestyle - not far from public transport but at the same time, not as loud or as dangerous as some other parts of the city. Obviously, though, there was the occasional police car that zoomed by at top volume. By 'occasional', I meant often.