Playing Dad

16. An End Of An Old Life

(Tristy)

     Weeks started to pass and I've hardly talked to anyone. The only person I talked to was my uncle Jerry, only because he sent a text message asking if I was still alive. I replied back just to reassure him. My so called father Tre or Frank, whatever his name is, hasn’t even once tried to call me; him or Billie as a matter of fact. They seemed so depressed when I left and wanted me to move in, but they have even checked to see if I’m still alive. At first I thought they were just giving me time, but now I’m sure they’ve moved on back to their normal life. Dad just wasn’t a game Frank clearly wanted to play for very long. My days have been nothing but dark. I’d gain weight, and then I’d lose weight; consequences of less eating and more sleeping. On occasion I’d listen to the CD Billie made then I’d get mad and throw it out, only to dig in the trash to retrieve it again. I don’t know why I’m still hoping, still hanging on to the thought that I’m not totally alone. Sure I have Beth and my uncle Jerry, but since me first leaving we’ve done nothing but grown apart. I’ve completely isolated myself; Only greeting a pizza guy who brings my food to me at the door. I can’t bear to look at the pictures on my phone from my time with Tre, Mike, and Billie, but I wouldn’t dare delete them.

   Billie was right; I have sunken to the lowest, darkest depths of my brain. As I lie here in the tub soaking I can only imagine drowning myself, or someone busting in and doing it for me. I won’t, I can’t. Today is mom’s birthday and I plan to go to her grave with fresh flowers as I do every year.

   Billie was wrong; He didn’t come save me, I doubt he’s even tried. Why would he? He’s easily fifteen years older than me. He was just lonely and depressed himself. I’m sure he’s found someone a little better, a little more experienced, and a little younger if not older. He’s a rock star for god sakes.  

    I slip my body down and my head goes under one more time. Bubbles flee my nose. When they stop I open my eyes and see the ceiling through the water. I can’t hear anything but the slight swooshing noises from the water. Blue, mama likes blue. I’ll put the blue flowers in the center and let the purple ones spread out around them. Just one deep breath in, and I can be reunited with her, but that would mean she’s in hell. Suicide is a gateway to hell. Mom’s too sweet for hell. Even if she was there she’d be baking a cake for the devil himself and mixing sweet tea because he’s had a hard day and taking his anger out on everyone. I smiled slightly as memories of helping her bake flooded my mind. I could feel the pressure build in my chest, the pressure to breathe. I quickly slid up and breathed through my nose with my eyes closed as the water ran down my face and chest. I felt for my rag in the tub and wiped my face just before getting out.

     I put on my sky blue dress with white flowers coming up from the bottom of it and slid my white Mary-Jane’s on.  Mom wouldn’t want me visiting wearing black. My hair was curled and my makeup fixed. All signs of mental agony were disguised. I threw on my short white cover up and grabbed my clutch and flowers just before heading out.

    The graveyard was unoccupied by the living. I parked and walked a good distance to the sight of my mother’s tombstone. It was under a tree, and Henry’s was beside it with fresh dirt over it. It had more flowers than moms. I stared for a minute and took a breath before sitting on moms plot. I pulled her old flowers out of there cement vase and placed the new ones in, arranging them a bit. I sat back down on my knees with my dress nicely tucked under my bottom. “I miss you guys so much,” I said softly. “I wish you were here right now.” I felt a few new tears make my eyes heat up I sniffled a bit and wiped them in hopes of not smearing my eyeliner. “I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so alone.” I grabbed my clutch and pulled a tissue from it to wipe my nose. I could hear a few birds in the distance. The sun bared down on my arms. I thought for a moment looking at her name. “I met dad…” I smiled a bit but it went away as more tears fell. “He told me a few things about you. Now I know where my sense of childlike wonder comes from,” I giggled crying a little. I felt the sun on my back let up as clouds went by. “I kind of wished I didn’t go away.” Each time I tried to catch my breath between cries it made a sound and made me want to cry more.  “He was very interesting and nice. I don’t know what he thought of me though.” My tears stopped and I sniffled a little as I wiped my eyes with the tissue. “Maybe it was for the best I left. I was so sure he was getting use to me though. I am an adult now.” I closed my eyes and my head fell a little. “I don’t want to be though. I’ve had to be an adult since I was 16.” Another tear fell.