PURSUIT OF DESTINY (OnGoing)

Pursuit of Destiny - This is Not Who I am

Jaye's POV

After that day at school, I felt like I owe Naddie an explanation. I felt like she needs to know about Jasmine, although she already knew but I want it to come from me, personally but what should I tell her?

Am I gonna tell her that what's going on between us is fake? That there's no romantic going on between me and Jasmine? I know I should talk her but what should I tell? What shall I say if she asks me why I have been avoiding her? She must have been wondering now and I know she's upset about it. It's my fault, though and I can't blame her for hating me. I couldn't sleep because the thought has been bothering me for hours now. I couldn't sleep because of Naddie.

When Naddie told our Professor that she wants to work alone in our project, I was kinda hurt. Did I lost her already? If that happens I already have lost a friend. Not just a friend but a friend so dear to me.

Just the thought of losing her is killing me. I know my decisions this past days are vague and unreasonable. My decisions are out of the line and unacceptable. I'm her bestfriend but I broke the rule. I broke the rule not to fall in love with her. We are happy. We are happy just by being friends. But this past days has been different in my part. Yes, what we have, our friendship is a treasure, it's very delicate that it can get ruined if we do something out of the context. But how can I control this growing feelings of mine? How can I ever stop this? I couldn't help it, I'm in love with her. I'm in love with my best girl friend.

Lying in my bed tonight, thinking of what's the best thing to do and weighing things. What really matters to me, our friendship or my feelings for her? What if I admit my feelings, will she acccept it? What if she won't? But what if this feeling of mine can blossom into a love so beautiful?

Ugh! There are a lot of what ifs! What if it's a yes? What if it's a no? If only I knew the answer, I might have a concrete decision now. If only I could travel back to the future and see what might happen If I admit my feelings for her, I would. If only.

I'm not the man she dreamt of. See, my style are not her taste. She's always laughing at the way I dress. She would always tell me to change my style and to get a hair cut or to use a contact lense. I would just laugh, everytime I hear it. I'm the kind of person who's afraid of change.

I'm not a fan of transformer or metamorphosis or evolution. I'm not into revolution, either. Everything that talks about change, scares me. I don't know why but I want to stay the way things are. The way things used to be. Wow. This came from someone who breaks the rule? From someone who suddenly had a changed of heart? I can't believe it! Enlighten me please.

Naddie once said to me, "Jairo, change can be scary but you know what's scarier? Allowing fear to stop you from growing, evolving and progressing. See? Change is the only absolute in the world, the only thing that you can depend on. Nothing stays the same Jai. I might be here today, I might be gone tomorrow but still tomorrow will come, bringing with it new beginnings and sometimes, unexpected endings. You can hold on to the past and get left in the dust, or you can choose to jump on the ride of life and live a new adventure with perseverance and an open-mind".

Sometimes, I can't read Naddie. She's very mysterious. I only saw this other side of her once and it really did affect me. It really goes to my heart, what she said is powerful . She's very articulate, I think but she never lets people to see that part of her.

"What's happening to you, Jairo!", I scolded myself. "This isnt me anymore, You came here to study, to build your name! Not to fall in love with your friend!". I'm starting to hate myself. I'm so disturbed this days I can't even concentrate. I barely have time for my Mom, I barely contact her and ask if she's okay. She's always calling me but I won't answer because I know