"Nothing has changed," I sighed. Why had I let it get so far? Our lips were only centimeters apart and I could barely feel his soft exhales. Part of me wanted to give in. All it took was for me to lean in and close the gap between us and I could taste his sweet lips -- oh, how I missed his lips. Why couldn't I just mute the blaring sirens in my mind? If I just closed my eyes and gave into the burning feeling, I would feel so much better. But that's just the thing; I'd feel better now, but the hate would come later.
I closed my eyes and waited. Why wasn't he yelling? It always ended that way. I just wanted it to be over. He could do what he wanted, whatever helped him. Go ahead and throw the remote at the TV. Rip my favorite shirt and storm out, slamming the door behind him. Anything to let me know that the mistake was at its end and we could go back to normal...until the next time. "Why do we keep doing this?" he whispered.
Rough skin came in contact with my burning cheek. He was rubbing small circles with his thumb close to the corner of my mouth. This wasn't like usual. I could tell that something else was going on. His touch was different than what I was used to. What we had was always pure animalistic passion. I could still feel his nails dragging down my bare back from the first time. Now he was tender and careful, like he didn't want to scare me. Like he didn't want to break me.
That was all it took for me to lose my composure. What had started as a fork in the road, a little devil pulling me towards desire and the angel begging me to take the lit path, was now all a blur. I crumbled, shoulders heaving up and down with a soundless sob and tears running down my cheeks. "I don't know." My voice was shaking, cracking with every syllable. It was true; I didn't know anything anymore.
"Baby," he cooed. His long arms extended and wrapped around me, resting on my back and pulling me into him. I had been in his embrace many times before, but never like this. I never let myself be vulnerable with him, but I couldn't hide it anymore. He needed to know the truth. This back and forth, the intense sex and passion followed by frozen denial. Hot and cold, up and down. I want you, need you, but not now, not here. I was crying into his chest, letting the fabric of his sweater absorb my tears. "Help me," he whispered. "Help me be better for you."
"I don't want this," I cried. "I don't want to be used anymore. And I don't want to use you." Here it all came. It was as if my body was rejecting my thoughts and feelings. Enough was enough, my body said. This has to end now. Just let it out. It couldn't get much worse than this. "Don't you know this is killing me?"
Dying. That's what it felt like. "It's killing me, too," he said. He rested his chin on the top of my head with a heavy sigh. It never occurred to me that this could be as hard for him as it was for me. With a small squeeze, he hugged me closer and ran his hands up and down my back. Never before has it been like this. "I thought sex would be easy," he admitted when I refrained from speaking. "No strings attached. I was naive, thinking that I could push down these feelings I have for you. It's always been you. She was just a distraction. From the moment I met you, sweetheart. It's always been you."
I felt his hand as it slid from my back to the nape of my neck. His fingers tugged a little at the loose hairs and sent a shiver down my spine.My tears that had stopped falling suddenly started to drown me again. "It's always been you," I repeated, grasping his sweater and gathering the fabric between my fingers. I had waited what seemed like my entire life for this moment, but I pictured it differently. It was a beautiful moment in my mind, the sun casting a rose gold light over everything. I would look up into his eyes and raise up onto my toes slightly, reaching up for his face. I'd say the same words he had said to me. It's always been you.
"Can we start over?" His voice cracked. "I'd do so many things differently, baby."
It was a cycle. Drunken sex, secret affairs, friends with benefits. A new girl, everything I wanted, everything she got. Cold shoulder, missed calls, alone and crying. Just one night, a knock on the door, a mistake. Break it.
"So would I," I sighed. There were no more tears left to cry. "I am so sorry." I sat up and looked him in the eyes for the first time in what seemed like forever. I really looked at him, and I saw the guy I once knew. His eyes were honest, glossy and red, pleading. "You know, I forgot how much I love your eyes," I said, getting lost in them.
And for the first time all night, he smiled the boyish smile that I hadn't seen in years. On his cheeks, little dimples appeared. With a slow breath, I reached my own hand up and met his cheek, running my fingers over the little indents. He took hold of my hand and brought it to his lips, kissing each knuckle with small pecks. "I never want to hurt you again."
I had a lot to prove.
So did he.
All that we needed was a chance.
It would be different this time.
It had to be.
It was always him.
It would always be him.
So there we were, ours lips centimeters away from each other. I could feel his soft exhales as they tickled my skin. Just one movement, and it would close the gap between us. Oh, how I missed the taste of his sweet lips, his tongue on mine. A chance. I tilted my head and leaned in, pressing my lips against his and felt the sparks fly as the kiss deepened. His tongue brushed against my lips, sending jolts of electricity through every nerve in my body. I could taste him, and this time I didn't taste regret.
This was different.
Devil, please don't pull me under just yet.
