If Only Tears Could Move Mountains

Chapter One

I'm 21 years old and I don't know who I am or who I want to be. I mean I like playing volleyball but com'on....if I was gonna go some where with volleyball I wouldn't be at a D3 college. I got some clue on who I wanna be, I guess. I just came home from basic training and AIT. Yup I joined the mother fucking Navy like an idiot. I dunno what I was thinking. I was just running from my life. Ya know? If you don't mind I just want to be a little honest with you. I'm tired of keeping secrets. Tired of acting like I'm wrapped tight when I'm really loose. Anyway, I joined the Navy because of what happened to me my freshman year. I came to Santran University to play volleyball but it seems like I did everything but that. I started off well, at least that's what I like to believe. I was working hard in practice. I really was and mentally I was so healthy. Before I came to Santran I was a virgin. I had smoked weed before but it was only once or twice. I had never been drunk. I had only kissed one boy and his name was Ramir Mathis. I loved him with all my heart. We had a bunch of ups and downs during high school. Cause he was a ladies man and I was a Tom boy. A real one too. A whole hot mess. It just didn't make things easy that girls loved Ramir and all I cared about was volleyball or running track. I was so far away from being a young lady, at least when it comes to what a person see's. Maybe I wasn't that far from being a young lady in my heart. Anyway, Ramir was my boy. My guy. He was the only boy who I kissed and I loved him. But when I got to Santran things changed. Ramir and I had agreed to go our separate ways because of college and for the first time in my whole life boys were attracted to me! I mean all different types of niggas. Tall, short, dark, brown, even shallow ass light skinned niggas. Boys who were athletic, poetic, scholars, and even the guys who are just cool for no reason like Greeks and potheads. Every type of guy you could think of was there and they all wanted me, well they wanted my body. My butt had doubled in size and my breasts were huge. I had long healthy hair back then. Like down my back and my skin was smooth too. Niggas was always complimenting me on my smile. I didn't think guys would like me. Thinking back I wish they didn't. The first guy I started "talking" to was Kareem. He was a short light skinned fella who could play some okay basketball. He was hilarious and always kept me cracking TF (the fuck) up!!! I mean he'd have me rolling. We kicked it multiple times just rappin' (conversing) and laughing! He kinda surprised me when he tried to get intimate with me cause he hadn't tried ever before. I mean he knew I was a virgin and I wasn't down for the bs. I was hangin round the wrong girls though. That's what I feel in my heart sometimes. They was my girls no question but they was the type of girls who congratulated you once you revealed that you lost your virginity. Like weird shit. Who wants their friend to loose their virginity so their friend can be another black girl whore? Don't get me started on that shit. I brung up them girls to add to all the factors on why this fool even ever had an opportunity. Anyway he's in my room and we get ta kissin and grindin, next thing I know this fool has his pants off. Me being a virgin I never connected that first base led to second base, until it was too late. I just thought kissin and touchin was just that. Little did I know. So yeah he's got his goddam pants off and he tryna maneuver his penis into my whole. I squirmed not cause the shit hurt bad asf but because I was dramatic. He pushed my shoulders down and whispered "relax". So I laid still while he kept trying to push it in. I didn't feel a goddam thing and literally 5 secs later he was off of me talking bout how he "came". I forgot to tell ya'll that I had been kissin this other boy. His name was Cane. If you gon judge me then you can get tf from round here cause I don't need that shit. I'm my own worst critique. Anything you think of me I've thought ten times worst of myself. Anyway, I had been dealin with Kareem for a couple of weeks maybe even a month and he was inconsistent. So I started dealin with other boys. I thought I was in the right for doing that but I was dead wrong. So I was kissin Cane some times. I'm not gonna lie. Cane always tried to have sex with me. Always and I always stopped him. He knew I was a virgin and he knew I didn't wanna have sex. The next day after what happened with Kareem, I was talking to one of the girls about what happened. Her name was Jem. I told her step by step what happened. Guess what her simple ass gonna say to me?? She said "Yay!! Maori you lost ya virginity" I told ya'll them bitches was simple minded. I told her simple ass that I didn't feel anything when it happen, how I didn't feel like I lost my virginity, and how I hated him and never wanted to see him again. She gon tell me "most girls feel like that towards the guy after he takes her virginity". Looking back on that conversation, I should've punch her right in her big stupid mouth. A few days after I "lost my virginity" I was extremely upset. Too much was going on up school. Just being a transfer from a community college, being the youngest on the volleyball squad, and the whole ordeal with Kareem. So I called my annoying ass mom. Idk why I chose her out of all people. But I called her. And I called her again and again and again. No answer. I called my baby sister. No answer. Then I called my mom again. Still, no answer. I was pissed, emotional, and alone. So I did what everybody else around me was doing. I got drunk. I got drunk and went to Cane's room. I drunk everything anybody handed me. All I remember is being carried from the 1st floor to the fourth floor and waking up in a hospital bed, a doctor standing over top of me explaining how I had gotten a rape kit, and about 10 ten different sets of eyes staring at me. After that my life has never been the same.