If Only Tears Could Move Mountains

Chapter Twelve

We had two more weeks left in the semester. I had gotten all satisfactory reports on midterms and I knew I was going to pass all my classes. I had the Spanish class I dropped in my mind. I knew coach knew about it but she never said anything. I appreciated her for that. Because of the fight we were suspended from the league for the rest of the semester. All of our missed games were counted as loses. We still had the third best record so we still had a slot in the playoffs. We were waiting for the board to determine whether we'd be allowed in the playoffs or not. Coach never treated me any differently after the brawl, we still had our meetings and she'd still ask me a thousand questions. We still practiced like we had games every Monday and Thursday night. Coach never said anything to us about the brawl. She just gave us the benefit of the doubt. Believe it or not that brawl brought our team closer in ways unimaginable! Those girls became my sisters. We did everything together. Nobody could say anything about any of us and if they did they made sure we didn't hear it. I felt closer to them then I felt toward my own family. I started to get dressed some days like I used to. I started to attend my weekly meetings with Mrs. D'Sek (the Lady with the red hair). I finally learned her name. She was quite a handful but I had learned to enjoy the meetings. I was better off doing so because I was assigned to her for the next three years. She never brought up what I admitted to her. My deepest darkest secret. She never judged me. At least I never felt like she did. She actually told me that I didn't want to do what I did and explained how common my actions were in rape victims. I don't know if she was finessin' me or what she was saying was factual. She said, when I up there the first time and even the second time that I was emotionally attached to my rapist. The dynamics were different between Cane and I. He wasn't some random guy who raped me, he was my friend. So of course I had some type of attachment to him. I didn't feel like I could cut him off. To be honest, I felt like I owed him a chance to explain. There were even some parts of me that thought I should be with because he took my virginity. It's crazy, this world I mean. How a guy and a girl could lay down, sex one another, get up and have no desire to be with each other. One time I shared my thoughts of making it work with Cane because he took my virginity, it was maybe a few weeks ago. I was sitting on D's big chair she had in her room...
Me: Can I tell you something?
D: Of course
Me: I feel like I owe Cane something
D: You don't owe that nigga shit, fuck him
Me: But that's how I feel
D: You can't really believe you owe him a dam thing
Me: But I do
D: What Maori? What do you owe him?
Me: A chance
D: You gave him a chance and he fucked you..remember?
Her words pierced me. I just looked down. I started getting emotional. Ever since "the incident" I got emotional over everything. One minute I was hot the next I was cold. I could go from calm to furious in seconds. I had no medium anymore. Everything that happened in my life caused a uproar of my emotions. I really couldn't control it. I looked up and D was staring at me.
D: What did I say?
Me: Nothing, you're right.
D: Right about what?
Me: About everything you said.
D: I didn't mean to offend you
Me: It's okay
D: You can't allow your mind to play tricks on you. You can't allow it to blame you for things that were out of your control
Me: It's so much easier said then done
D: I know...but that doesn't mean it can't be done
I just nodded. I didn't really have anything else to say. Something inside of me was missing. Before "the incident" if somebody, even D, would've said something that slick to me I would've had something to say even slicker back. But I couldn't find the words. It was like all the fight in me was gone. I couldn't fight anybody over anything. I always had a strong opinion. My opinion was gone. It was like I was a particle in the wind. A spec of dirt, a grain of sand. What I felt or thought didn't matter, so why say anything at all? People stop seeing me. They only saw "the incident" when they looked at me. My heart felt heavy so I laid down on D's bed. Somehow I started crying. I felt weight hit the bed. Then I felt warm arms around my stomach and caressing my head. It was D, she was whispering in my ear..
D: It's gonna be okay
I didn't respond.
D: Ya hear me?
Me: Mhmm
There was a moment of silence. My mind drifting off to a big blue sea...I saw my naked body laying on the boat, the whether was warm and my toes were painted a soft pink color, I was looking down at them...
Me: D?
D: Yes?
Me: Did it really happen?
D: Did what really happen?
Silence.
Me: Was I raped?
D didn't say a word. Instead she held me tighter and kissed me on my forehead. My grand-father taught me that there is something beautiful and precious about a woman who knows when silence is necessary.