If Only Tears Could Move Mountains

Chapter Seven

I was looking in the mirror one day and I didn't recognize myself. I literally shocked myself. I stopped and backed up and then looked in the mirror again. I stood in front of it looking at all the things that have changed since "the incident". I had lost a ton of weight. My eyes had red bags underneath them and all my hair was falling out. I looked terrible and I felt worse. But I had to keep it together. If not for myself, for all the girls who killed or lost themselves over some shit like this. Up to this point in my life this was the worst experience I had ever had. In the midst of all my thoughts there was a knock on my door. I looked at the clock...it was one am! Who tf was knocking at my door this late. First person I thought of was my roommate. She was always locking her keys in the room. Irking! I put a hoody on. Ever since "the incident" I can never have on enough clothes. I just don't want anyone being attracted to me. After I put my hoody on I glanced at my phone, somebody was calling me. I looked at my phone. It was Cane. My heart sank. The knock at the door grew louder. I didn't know what to do. I felt like I had lost control over my body. I tried to walk but I couldn't. Why was Cane calling me? Who was banging on my door? The knock continued to grow louder. I couldn't bring myself to move towards the door. I stared at the knob. The next thing I knew, I saw the the knob twisting. Whoever was behind the door had inserted a key. I watched the knob turned. I heard the keys jingle. Then I saw the door cracking open. As the door creaked open, I saw my assistant coach. I couldn't believe it. He looked at me, I looked back..
Assistant Coach- Room checks.
I just stared at him.
Assistant Coach- You didn't hear me knocking?
I didn't say anything. I couldn't.
Assistant Coach- What's going on in here? You hiding somebody, aren't you?
My assistant coach started looking underneath my bed, behind the door, in the closets, even opened up the window and looked at the escape staircase nailed to the wall. I just watched him. It was so much going on I couldn't process it all.
Assistant Coach- There's a boy in here and I know it. Why else wouldn't you get up and answer the door!
I had to say something.
Me: I'm sorry Coach...
Assistant Coach- Yeah you are sorry..
I didn't know what he was trying to imply. I didn't really care. He never liked me. Even before "the incident" but now he's riding me even harder. I started to calm down and be able to think. I tried to cleared my throat. I headed to the refrigerator to get a bottle of water but my assistant coach stepped in front of me...
Assistant coach- I know there was something going on in here. I can't wait to find out the truth about you. I know all about girls like you. Trust and believe me when I say I have seen my fair share of lying, conniving women. You aren't the first and you won't be the last. You think you're slick but I see right through you. You've got no business on this team. You've tainted the reputation of the team and if it were up to me, you wouldn't be here.
Me: Well thank God it isn't up to you.
I was over his shit. Who did he think he was? To key in my room at one in the morning, accuse me of lying, and then tell me I didn't deserve to be here? He was always pushing my buttons but this time he'd gone too far.
Assistant Coach- Everything that's done in the dark will come to the light...everything.
I turned and walked away from him, in the direction of the window. With my back to him I spoke.
Me: You can let yourself out.
He mumbled some words and headed towards the door. When he walked out, he slammed the door. I heard the door shut. I looked down at the knob. I walked over and locked my door. I walked back to the window and looked out at how far I was from the ground. I wondered how painful it'd be to throw myself out of it and just end all of this. The vibration of my phone snapped me back into reality. I walked over to my dresser to pick up my phone. When I picked it up there was a text message from Cane. It said "We need to talk." I sat my phone down. I was so confused. Why was he randomly contacting me? Why did he think this was appropriate? The detectives and campus police told him "no direct contact". I wanted to cry but the tears wouldn't come. All I felt was confusion. I went to the top drawer of my dresser. I started searching for something. I found them! I took three, I turned the lights off, lit the candles, and within fifth-teen minutes I was asleep. Sleeping was better than being awake. It was better than having to sort through my emotions. I didn't have the wisdom to do so. I couldn't call my mom because she was in an even more despondent state than I was because of "the incident". Every time I called her she answered and as soon as I spoke, she'd just break out into tears. I couldn't take that anymore. She associated "the incident" to the absence of my father, the events that took place when I was a child, and her parenting overall. What happened broke her heart. I thought of all these things as I drifted into a deep sleep. I woke up the next afternoon having missed three classes. I was soaked from my sweat. My head hurt and my stomach was in my back.