If Only Tears Could Move Mountains

Chapter Ten

"I gotta find peace of mind, he takes all my energy...trapped in my memory" 🎶🎤
I was listening to "I gotta find peace of mind" by Lauren Hill. That girl was a beast. It was a couple days after the whole brawl at the game. I was out on the track running. It was 12 midnight and I was restless. They say exercise is one of the most effective tactics to free yourself. I was running, really listening to Lauren...out of nowhere I saw this black body appear on the track. Whoever it was had a hoody on. I figured it was somebody who needed to free there mind like I did. Ever since "the incident" I had become highly spiritual. I was in touch with every factor of every thing. I wanted to know why water was wet. I wanted to know where the moon went when it disappeared in the morning time. I figured it was someone who was like me. As I got closer and closer to the dark body on the track I was able to make out who it was before I got too close.
It was Cane.
I stopped running. I stared at him.
Cane: Don't act like that. What's your problem?
Me: What do you mean what's my problem?
I couldn't believe I could talk.
Cane: Can we talk?
Me: There's nothing to talk about.
I continued on my run. I thought about escape routes. I thought about how I could get out of this situation alive. When I came back around he was still standing there.
Cane: Can we please talk?
Me: What is wrong with you?
Cane: Why you acting like I did something to you?
I couldn't believe what he had just said. His obnoxious-ness made me feel like I had no right to feel the emptiness I felt. This caused me more internal turmoil. It was like my body was split into two.
Me: Please leave me alone.
Cane: I really want to talk to you Maori.
Me: How did you know I was out here?
Cane: I went pass your room first. I saw the note you left on the door for your roommate telling her you were "going for a run and not to worry", I decided to pop up on ya.
Me: Oh.
I couldn't look at him in the eye. So I looked down at the ground.
Cane: So can we talk?
I figured he wasn't gonna take no for an answer.
Me: Can I at least finish my run?
Cane: Yeah that's cool...but I'll be texting you tonight...we need to talk.
He looked serious. I still didn't hate him for what he had done. When the police interrogated me, they wanted him behind bars. So did the campus police and all of my friends and family. But something in my heart felt compassion for him. I thought of my blood brother, Nyle. I thought about Nyle and him getting in an unfortunate situation like this and having to spend time in jail on top of the rest of his life being ruined because of one mistake. There was no way I could be apart of putting another black boy behind bars. So I took the blame, I told all the authorities it was my fault. I thought about all the nights I'd kissed him and never had sex with him, how that may very well have provoked him. I thought about all the factors that made this situation possible. For so long I thought about what I'd say if ever given an opportunity to talk to Cane. My mind went blank. I was nervous and unsure.
Cane: Okay Maori??
Me: Ok
I started running and I could hear him faintly as I ran off, yelling how serious he was. I turned the volume up on my phone and tuned everything out. I tried to tune all of my thoughts out. But they were coming in so aggressively, demanding to be entertained and addressed. Who did Cane think he was? Did he not think what he did to me was wrong? Was I really going to have a conversation with him? What was there to talk about? Should I tell somebody what just happened? So many thoughts were coming through my head. I couldn't control them. They kept coming faster and faster. I felt so weak. I ended my run earlier than normal. I slowly walked back to my room. When I got to my room I picked my phone up. I had a couple text messages and several missed calls. One missed call from the lady with the red hair. She was calling because I had missed our meeting today. I didn't care though, I was gonna call her back when I felt like it. I had three messages from Cane.
Cane: Call me
Cane: Are you back yet?
Cane: Come to my room when you're finished.
I sat down and thought. Maybe he wanted to apologize for what he did. Maybe it was eating him alive and he really needed to get his apology off of his chest? I could allow him to say sorry. After all, he did take my virginity. I was connected to him for life. He had something I could never get back and I honestly wanted to know why he did what he did? I had questions for him. So I texted him back the unthinkable.
Message from Me to Cane: I'm omw...
I had made another decision I would mostly like regret😕. I was on edge. Nobody had to know about this. I was just itching for an explanation. That's all I wanted. I washed and changed my clothes. I put on some big sweats and a big t-shirt. I didn't want to seem provocative in any way. I put a big Santran hoody over top, it came low enough to cover my butt. Which had gotten even bigger by the way. I took my hair down and put a hat on. I pulled the hat down low. I walked out the room. Fuck, I locked my keys in my room.smh Is that a sign from God to turn back around? I stood in front of the door. I contemplated on calling my roommate but then she would've wanted to know where I was going and why and with whom. Ever since "the incident" she'd become over protective. Everybody did. I walked up the stairs to a place I had forbidden myself from. I knocked on the door. Cane answered and smiled. I stood there wondering what the fuck I was about to do.
Cane: Are you gonna stand there or come in?
Truth is I really didn't know.
Cane: Hellooo?
I walked in. Well I don't know who walked in but somehow my body was in that room. The air smelled disgusting. Like sin. I walked towards the dresser. I looked around. I felt sad.
Me: I can't believe I'm in here.
Cane sucked his teeth.
Cane: If you gonna act like that, you can leave.
I couldn't believe he had said that. He was so bold. I didn't say anything. I actually contemplated leaving. I don't know why I didn't just turn around and leave. Who did he think he was? He patted an area on his bed...
Cane: Come sit down.
Me: I can stand while we talk.
Cane: I'd prefer for you to come and sit down.
I hesitated. Out of nowhere my body started walking towards the bed. I sat down. He went to grabbed my arm, I pulled it away.
Me: Stop Cane.
Cane: Come closer.
Me: Why did you do it?
Cane: Do what?
I gave him the look like "let's be forreal". He looked at me.
Cane: Yo you're really gorgeous
I started shaking my head. I couldn't believe his audacity. He reached is hand and rubbed my cheek. I backed up.
Me: Stop.
Cane: Why?
Me: I want you to tell me why you did it.
Cane: Why you actin like I did something wrong to you yo?
Me: Cane, you had sex with me while I was drunk!
Cane: Maori I asked you if you were sure. You said yes...
Me: I was drunk Cane! Besides, I told you a thousand times before that night that I wasn't ready for sex. Why couldn't you have just brought me back to my room?
Fuck! I started crying. He didn't say anything. He just stared.
Cane: Come here.
I didn't move. He moved right next to me. The next thing I know he was kissing me in my mouth. I couldn't move. Or stop him. I couldn't believe what was happening. When I got up from the bed, I had left my self dignity, my energy, parts of my personality, my smile, my laugh, and most of all my self-love.