If Only Tears Could Move Mountains

Chapter Eleven

Two weeks had passed since I had betrayed my self by going to Cane's room. I was sitting in the office waiting for the lady with the red hair. I was anxious because I had missed three of our meetings in a row. Finally, she walked in.
Lady with the red hair: Well well, look who finally showed up.
I grinned.
Lady with the red hair: Did you listen to my voicemails?
Me: Yes.
Lady with the red hair: So why were you a "no call no show" the least you could've done was give me a ring to let me know you wouldn't be able to make it.
Me: A lot has been going on.
Lady with the red hair: Like what?
For some reason I felt like talking today. I had that on my mind that I was going to tell her whatever I wanted to tell her without holding anything back.
Me: I don't know where to begin.
Lady with the red hair: How is school?
Me: School is going fine.
Lady with the red hair: In what ways?
She could never accept a simple answer.
Me: My teachers were pretty understanding. I'm caught up on all my missed work. School has never been a struggle for me. It was never hard to excel.
Lady with the red hair: Well that's good to here.
Me: Why?
Lady with the red hair: Because you've just eliminated a possible stressor. That's not only an important factor of recovery but an important factor of life.
Me: What do you mean?
Lady with the red hair: People allow things to become stressors when in actuality they have the power and the means to prevent the stressor and solve the problem.
Me: I see.
Lady with the red hair: What are some things you believe are stressors in your life?
Me: Coming here.
I told myself I'd be honest, so I was. I wasn't trying to be an asswhole or anything.
Lady with the red hair: Why is that?
Me: Because for one you ask a whole lot of questions, for two...you force me to talk about things the average person doesn't, and for three...I hate taking that long bus ride.
Lady with the red hair: Anything else you'd like to share?
Me: Nope. That's about it.
Lady with the red hair: How are you emotionally?
Me: I don't know.
Lady with the red hair: Have you saw him around?
Me: Who?
She was always trying to avoid saying his name or what he had done. So if I was going to talk, she would have to talk as well.
Lady with the red hair: The guy who assaulted you.
Me: Oh, him.
She looked at me funny.
Lady with the red hair: Are you okay?
Me: I'm fine.
Lady with the red hair: Have you seen him?
Me: Yes I have.
Lady with the red hair: How do you feel when you see him?
Me: I don't know.
Lady with the red hair: How do you feel about what he did to you?
Me: What do you mean?
Lady with the red hair: He raped you Maori. How does that make you feel that you have to see him on the daily basis?
She was being more aggressive than she had ever been.
Me: Did he really rape me?
Lady with the red hair: What do you mean? Did he really rape you? Of course he did.
She answered her own questions all the time. She was appalled at what I had just asked her.
Me: He says' she asked me if I was sure and I said yes.
Lady with the red hair: Maori you were drunk. You couldn't have possibly consented to have sex with him. We've gone over this already. You were intoxicated beyond measures, the doctors had to pump your stomach the following morning. You had no recollection of anything that happen. Do we need to go over this again?
Me: No we do not.
She wasn't going over anything. I was the one reliving everything.
Lady with the red hair: Why did you defend him?
Me: What if what he's saying is the truth?
Lady with the red hair: Did you want to have sex with him?
Me: No.
Lady with the red hair: If you were in a different state of mind would you have prevented him from having sex with you?
Me: Of course.
Lady with the red hair: So we are clear. You can't have consented sex with a person who is intoxicated.
Me: What about his perspective?
Lady with the red hair: If his perspective is flawed it doesn't matter. Why are you defending him Maori? Have you had some type of contact with him?
I didn't answer. I looked down.
Lady with the red hair: Answer my question. It's a very simple question. There are no consequences regardless of your answer.
Me: Yes I have.
She sighed.
Lady with the red hair: When?
She changed her tone.
Me: I went to his room.
Lady with the red hair: Alone?
Me: Yes.
Lady with the red hair: What happened?
Me: I can't say.
I really couldn't. I hadn't admitted it to myself. I hadn't even written about in my journal. I couldn't fathom I had committed. I didn't even know what happened.
Lady with the red hair: Did he touch you?
Me: Yes.
Lady with the red hair: Did you want him to?
Me: No...but I froze and I just allowed things to happen.
Lady with the red hair: What things? What did you allow to happen? If you didn't want him to touch you why didn't you say stop?
Me: I told you I froze.
Lady with the red hair: We're you afraid?
Me: More like shocked. I couldn't believe what was happening to me.
Lady with the red hair: What did he do?
Me: He kissed me.
Lady with the red hair: Did you push him off?
Me: No, but I didn't kiss him back.
Lady with the red hair: Did he keep kissing you?
Me: Yes.
Lady with the red hair: What happened next?
Me: I can't say it...
Lady with the red hair: Did he touch you?
Me: Yes.
Lady with the red hair: Did you want him to?
Me: No.
Lady with the red hair: Did he have sex with you?
Silence.
Lady with the red hair: Maori, did he have sex with you?
Silence.
Lady with the red hair: Please answer me!
I put my head down in my lap. She got up out of her seat and sat on the floor and picked my head up. She looked me in my eyes.
Lady with the red hair: Maori D'man, did he have sex with you?
Me: Yes...