Becoming Her (Trans)

Chapter 25

As soon as I wake up, I know there's a different atmosphere than the one I'm used to. It's as if someone decided to add desperation, medicine, and worry to it. Slowly opening my eyes, I find myself staring up at the dotted ceiling. Why is it I'm almost never looking from either side of me when I wake up?

The second thing I notice is the beeping of a machine. And the third is some soft plastic up my nostrils. I reach up to get the plastic off, but a hand stops me. I turn my head to see Kelly, her face contorting from worry to relief. Instead of mouthing off about how long it took me to wake up, she leans down and gives me the tightest and most painful hug I've ever received. I'd think it's nice if her perfume isn't overpowering my nose.

"Kelly," I warn. She gets the message and lets go of me. After a quick glance around the room, I know she's the only person here. I focus on her, who now has tears coming down her face. "How long have I been out?"

She sniffles. "About a couple of days," she says. "Josh couldn't tell me what happened. And neither could Gwen." Kelly jams into her coat pockets for a Kleenex. She blows her nose into it, and then throws it away. While she's getting another tissue, she asks, "What do you remember before you passed out?"

I freeze. In less than 5 seconds, I'm recalling the disastrous event. Oh God, I think. The guy. The kissing. The kicking and punching after the wig came off. The couple that left the scene. All of this happened to me that night. All because I'm . . .

"Matthew, why are you crying?" Kelly asks. For once, she's not teasing me about showing weakness. "Tell me what happened. I can handle it."

Before I can decide if I should confess, both Mom and Dad enter the room. Neither of them are looking at each other's direction; instead they're fretting about my appearance.

"Matthew, how are you feeling?" Mom asks, at the same time Dad says, "I'm glad you're up now."

I smile weakly. "I'm okay now," I lie.

Mom notices the tears on my face. "Honey, you're not okay," she says. She goes over to the other side of my bed and lifts up what looks like a button in a plastic wire. Mom presses it, and within minutes the increased pain I've received from Kelly's hug starts to fade away. "Is that better now?"

"I'm fine," I say. "Really," I add when Mom starts to push the morphine button again.

"Holly," Dad says, a little sharply. "Listen to the boy."

As usual I flinch. Now that's Dad has said something, we're all tensed up and silent. Kelly's taken the chair and fiddles with her phone, not really looking at the screen. Mom's dropped the morphine. Dad's looking like he wants to yell at someone. I'm counting the breaths I'm taking.

Finally, Dad snaps. "What the hell were you doing at the party?" he demands. "I know for a goddamn fact you don't just get beat up for no reason!"

"Irving!" Mom says.

"What? I'm not going to put up with this quietly! Matthew, what did you do to deserve it?" His fists are clenched, and a vein bulges at the temple.

"What I deserve?" I ask, pointing at myself. "Dad, if you want answers, you're going to have to think about how you ask the questions. I didn't deserve what happened to me that night!" I'm yelling now, causing Mom to flinch at the volume.

Dad grips the metal railing at the end of the bed. "Did you fight back? Because if so, the kid's parents will most likely file a lawsuit against you," he says.

"So you're more concerned about financial issues than your own child getting hurt?!"

"Matthew--"

"Dad!" Much to my surprise, Kelly stands herself up so fast the chair falls backwards. "Enough! It's bad enough Matthew's in the fucking hospital! He doesn't need your pissiness to make himself feel much worse than he needs to be. If you have a problem, then leave until you're calm enough to stop a wild horse!"

He shuts his mouth, glaring at Kelly. Mom's got her head in her hand, obviously not wanting to be in the room at the time. "Irving, it's almost noon. Why don't we go to the cafeteria, and Kelly and Matthew can talk alone?" she suggests.

Without a word, both my parents leave the room. Mom closes the door behind her, and my sister exhales. "Well, that was a little exhausting," she says.

I let the pause sink in. "'Calm enough to stop a wild horse'?" I question.

Kelly starts laughing. "You know what? It made sense at the time," she says. "You know I'm not good at thinking up of similes fast."

I laugh a little. "I know," I respond. Afterwards, I become serious. So does Kelly.

"Hey, do you still want the stuff you were wearing at the party?" she asks, softly. She grabs the bag nearby the fallen chair. She holds it up to me. I can see the heels and dress, the dress showing a couple of tears.

I nod vigorously. I reach for it, and hold the bag close to me. Kelly looks at me closely. "What is it?" I muffle through the plastic.

"Nothing. I'm finding it odd for you to hold the costume like that," she answers. As soon as she's said it, her eyes go wide. "Did someone hurt you because they thought you were a girl?"

I don't say anything, this time because I don't know what to say.

"Did they?"

"Yes," I croak.

Kelly's shoulders drop. "But, Matthew--"

"Kelly." She stops. "I, don't want to be called Matthew. Never had." By this time, Kelly's climbed on the bed and staring down at me, slowly processing what I've said in her head.

"What are you trying to say?"

I turn my head at a slight angle, checking to see if the door's still closed. It is. "Well?"

I don't make eye contact with her as the next words come out of my mouth: "Let's just say I've always wanted to be your sister."

"Oh." All of the sudden, Kelly asks in annoyance, "So I could've just come to you whenever I've had girl problems over the years instead of searching online?" Confused, I look at her. She's grinning.

"Nah," I answer, playing along. "You would probably find some of your nail polish missing, though."

Her jaw drops, then thinks again. "As long as they're not my favorites, we're on good terms."

"And maybe some dresses, too."

"Excuse me, I didn't give you permission to steal my awesomeness!" Kelly exclaims.

I shrug. "Gwen has better awesomeness than you do," I state.

"Now I'm regretting speaking to you."

"No, you don't."

Grunting, Kelly lays down beside me. She wraps her arms around my waist and puts her head down on my shoulder. "Whatever," she says. "I think I'll like you better as a sister than a brother."