✔ Run Baby Run ✖ punk hood au

xxxvi - heart to heart

g w e n:

I sat on Calum's lap, my arms around his neck as we both gazed at each other. Whatever was lingering in his mind was eating him up inside and it hurt me to see him so stressed. Calum placed a loose strand of my hair behind my ear, leaning in to kiss me on the temple. His small gestures, paired with his exceedingly rapid beating heart made my own mind race with anxiety.

"Cal, you're making me nervous," I told him, "what do you have to tell me?"

Calum didn't answer me right away, instead taking my hand in his and placing it on top of the fading scar on his chest. With his hand on top of mine, I could feel his heart beating so fast I wondered if it were possible for it to explode.

"You feel that, don't you?" Calum asked, his voice shaking as each word fell from his mouth.

I nodded my head before looking Calum in the eyes, "your heart is--"

"Not my heart," Calum suddenly interrupted me with a whimper. He held onto my face with such vulnerability that it actually scared me. "This isn't my heart."

"What are you saying? This is your heart. I know your heart," I stated, patting onto the area where his heart lays beneath.

"No, you don't. You don't know my heart at all," Calum shook his head.

"But I do. Why are you saying this? I know your heart as if it were my own!" I insisted, my words spewing out of my mouth with frustration. I was confused and offended with Calum's declaration. I didn't know where all this was coming from, and it was hurting me more by the second.

"Gwen, I'm selfish," Calum began, standing up and forcing me to stand too, "I'm dangerous. I'm terrible and my heart is made up of all the bad in the world."

"Baby no!" I argued, grabbing onto Calum's arms and pulling him towards me, "you are gracious and kind and this," I paused, pointing at his heart, "is brimming with all the beauty I want to hold. I love you, and I love your heart."

My glossy eyes met Calum's, and it was then did I realize that there was a dark secret harboring in his soul. Whatever this secret was, clung onto his whole being without any sign of letting go. It was clear to me that this enigmatic piece of information was going to be as intense to the ears, as it felt in my bones.

"You don't love my heart," Calum started his head hung low, "you love Ryan's."

It was those words, laden with absolute and terrible pain, did my lungs cease to function. The breath was knocked right out of me, and when I took a step forward to hold Calum, he took a step back.

"Why would you say that?" My voice almost didn't exist, as it trembled passed my lips.

"I haven't been honest with you," Calum told me.

"Then be honest with me now," I plead. I took another step towards Calum, successfully this time, and reached over to rest a gentle touch on his cheek. I stood on the tips of my toes to give him a tender peck on the lips, reassuring him that things will be okay.

Calum sighed, letting out a whimper that was almost to painful to bare. He took my hand that rested upon his cheek and pulled it away, as if my touch were undeserving. He turned around, so his back faced me, rubbing his hair in frustration.

"I wanted to die," he began, his statement lacerating me like a tiny, hot knife. "I was drunk and thinking a lot. Mainly about Janet and about life. I just hated myself so much."

"Cal," I whispered, placing a hand on his back. Calum turned around, pushing my hand away.

"I was on my motorcycle beneath an overpass on July 6th at around 12:28AM," Calum continued, but as he went on with his story, did each word trigger a memory in my brain. And each memory ignited a haunting sensation that left my entire body numb.