Dreaming In Black And White

The flourescent lights flicker, giving the impression of the room moving. The surrounding walls are painted white to give the feeling of an open space, but do the opposite. The flimsy garment of her gown scrapes against the plastic of her bed, creating a sound similiar to pulling one's fingernails down a chalkboard. The sound of the heart monitor's beeping would be enough to drive anyone insane. How ironic.

Her hands shake as she drags the pen across her notebook. There is no writing filling the blue-lined paper, only shaky lines after shaky lines. Her icy blue eyes, made more prominent by her dark eyelashes, stared at the blank wall, much the same as the constant expression on her face. She had been this way for months now. No matter what the doctors forced into her veins or what they forced into her head, she hadn't changed.

Tiring of staring at her lines, I attempt to fill the almost silence. "Julie learned how to tie her shoes yesterday. She was so excited that she could do something on her own," I say in a bright tone. "Here, I have a video of her doing it." I pull out my phone, and put the screen near her eyes. I can see the reflection of light dancing off of her deadened eyes.

"What's first, Julie?" I hear my recorded voice ask. Julie is sitting on a bear shaped rug with her still shiny, pink tennis shoes untied and on her feet. She looks up at me, her icy eyes so similiar to her mother's, yet so different. Alive.

"I loop the strings and pull!" she says as her short and chubby fingers yank on her shoe laces. I glance at my sister's face, and am not surprised to see that her eyes aren't even open anymore. I let out a sigh as the video relentlessly continues.

"Good! Now finish it!"

Julie's eyebrows scrunch as she concentrates on the mundane task. It takes about half of a minute to finish tying her shoe and successfully untangle her fingers from the laces. She looks up at the camera, and smiles, exposing her missing front teeth.

"I'm so proud of you," I say to her.

"Well you taught me to do it!" her blonde ringlets bounce as she hops to emphasize her excitement.

"Can you tie your other one now?" Her giggles are the last audio from the video. Oh, to be so innocent and careless that such a simple question can bring such happiness.

I look at Jamie as I put my phone back in my pocket. Her eyes are open again, but now her irises are traveling in slow circles. Her dry hands are still dragging the pen down the paper. I stare at her eyes and blink back tears. A stray blonde ringlet falls in front of her face. As I reach my hand up to push it back behind her ear, her eyes stop, now entirely focused on my hand.

My heart beats harder as I freeze. "Jamie?" I whisper. Her eyes don't move. "Jamie, please." My heart swells with hope. Is she back? Her vision drifts up to the ceiling as she closes her eyes and collapses on her pillow.

My tears fall freely. I let my hand drop back to my knee. I stand and lean over Jamie. I kiss her forehead gently. "Julie called me Mom. She barely remembers you. Please, Jamie. Please be her mom. If you come back, come back for her. I know she misses you," I murmur against her forehead. Tears drip into her hair, turning locks of it into a darker color. I sit back down in the scratchy chair. My hand drifts through my hair, pushing my wet fringe out of my face. I shake my head and let out a soft sigh.

"I miss you."