P.S. Because I Loved You.

P.S. Because I Loved You [21].

September 13:

Dear Ethan,

I was impatiently waiting for Jaysen as my emotions grew wild and capricious. I was restless at night because I could not stop contemplating about what he told me concerning Tristan. I am still dazed by the fact that Tristan hid the event of his house burning down from me. Maybe our relationship isn’t as mutually honest as I had thought it was. I feel like I have no right to question him or suspect anything but I can’t help myself – I’ve fallen into a trap. This is all Jaysen’s fault; he had misgivings about Tristan and lured me into thinking that Tristan was somehow associated with you. Now as I cogitate about Tristan, it does seems peculiar how he remained composed when he told me about the piece of paper he found in the gutter. He did not look bothered at all, seeing as I had cried and could have potentially made him suspicious of your death. Tristan never replaced you, Ethan, but I was convinced that I was devoted to him. I found him irresistible. I did not love him though, for you already stole my heart.

I hear rapid footsteps advancing toward my cell and all my thoughts vanished. It is Jaysen.

“It took you long enough.” I said.

“Sorry, traffic.” He said hastily. “We’ve got a lot of talking to do today – don’t be hesitant. The trial is tomorrow.” 

I noticed that he had wrinkles around the corners of his eyes, something he apparently didn’t have a few days ago. His forehead also developed creases around the temples and his skin was tense. Was I the cause for his stress?

“What exactly happens at the trial?” I grew uneasy.

He heaved a sigh, “The attorney representing Ethan’s mom and I meet with the judge in the courtroom and we have a trivial debate on how long the case should be postponed. It shouldn’t take too long, at most two hours.”

“How do you know the judge is a male?”

“I was snooping around. I had to sweet-talk a lady who worked in the administrative office of the courtroom into telling me the name of the judge. I did some independent research and found out that the judge’s name is Lucas Rodriguez and he is in the mid-40s. My guess is that he is conservative; he grew up in the South.”

The confidence in Jaysen’s smile had disappeared and his eyes were troubled.

“How long do you think we need to build our case?” I asked.

“It depends on how much information we have. We need to aggregate a great deal of evidence. We need our facts straight.”

“Do you think I’m guilty of murder, Jaysen?”

“Did you murder Ethan Craft?” He asked.

“No.” I responded with buoyancy.

“Then no, I don’t think that you are guilty.” He smiled for a brief moment.

“I’m sorry that you have to stand in favor of me. I didn’t mean to pull anyone into this case, really.” My voice stiffened.

“I’m a lawyer, that’s my job. Don’t worry about me. Hell you’re the one that should be terrified; you’re in line for death penalty!”

It was unusual how I was not fearful or panicked knowing that I was going to be executed by the judicial community. I wasn’t scared of dying; I was scared of dying for the wrong reason. I replied, “I don’t expect you to win our case; I know there are no guarantees.  I just want everyone in that courtroom to hear the truth.”

“All I can say is that I will put all my effort in representing you well. I will do my best.” He said.

“Thank you.” Suddenly my skepticism in Jaysen died out. I believed in him.

“Anyway, back to work. So, did Tristan ever mention Ethan?”

“Not that I know of. He asked me who Ethan was, because of the rumors in school about his withdrawal, but that’s it.”

“Hmm.” Jaysen ruffled his hair.

“On top of that, he showed me a grimy, crumpled up piece of paper that said ‘2 am: gone forever. I Loved you and you didn't. Now you are forgiv-‘” I winced at the memory.

“How does this connect to Ethan?”

I juddered. “That -” I shifted my eyes to the corner, “was my writing. And it was about Ethan.”

Jaysen sat up in his chair and his eyebrows strained. “’Gone forever?’ Rosalie, what does that mean?” He asked callously.

The air stifled and all I could hear was the pounding of my heart and his absorbed breathing.

“You need to tell me what happened.” He demanded.

“It was a piece of paper from my diary. One night, I was walking home from the library and through the shadows I saw Ethan sitting under a tree, in the park. I was going to surprise him by giving him an unforeseen hug. This was during the week of his death, the same week I was told by the girls that he was cheating on me. The point is, I was relieved to finally have some alone time with him.” I grimaced, “However as I grew closer to where he was, I saw that he wasn’t alone. He was with someone, a girl, and she was lying on his lap.”

I paused to take a rich inhale so my tears wouldn’t trickle down my cheeks.

“Continue.” Jaysen said.

“From that point, I ran home. I was so hurt and wounded. I then wrote in my diary expressing how I thought I had lost him forever. Our relationship was seemingly doing downhill and I felt awful.” I sniffed up my silent sobs.

“I’m terribly sorry. But what did you mean in the note when you wrote, ‘now you are forgiven’ with the last word incomplete?”

“I wanted to forgive him for falling out of love. I didn’t want to cause any more trouble. That night I was so wretched that I began shredding all the pages out of my diary to burn them. I threw that note out from my window and I guess it landed in the gutter where Tristan found it.” 

“Sir, someone is here to visit the inmate.” The officer’s loud, heavy voice penetrated the room.

Jaysen and I, both alarmed by the company, looked at him. I wonder who it could be. “Do you know the name of who it is?” I asked him.

Jaysen gave me an equal baffled expression.

“His name is Tristan. Mr. Wycliffe, I think you should leave now. You are not permitted to involve yourself in visiting affairs of the inmate.” The officer said.

“Sir, I am her lawyer and I have every right to interfere in my clients’ affairs.” Jaysen fired back.

The officer let out an annoyed grumble. “Alright. But you could get into some serious trouble for this. I could get into some serious trouble for this.”

Jaysen gave the officer a sly grin and acclaimed, “Thank you. You have no idea how much this will help our case.”

I was bemused by what was going on. Why was Tristan here to see me? Why did Jaysen want to meet Tristan? What if Jaysen said something that makes Tristan mad? What do I say to Tristan when there is nothing left to say?

We both got up and followed the officer down the dim corridor.

I did not know what to expect. My heartbeat was miles away from my body. I was frightened.

Rosalie