P.S. Because I Loved You.

P.S. Because I Loved You [7].

August 15 (12:30am-past midnight):

Dear Ethan,

I can't sleep today. I can't seem to shut this mind off. Why am I the root cause for all the problems? I hate myself so much that I've already lost my identity.

Do you remember that one day where you took me out for a picnic? I think it was on July 15th. Anyway, I had overslept that morning and I woke up by the feeling of your light peck of kiss on my lips. You had a basket on one hand, and a classic-looking red and white blanket on the other. A grin was painted on your face and your eyes gleamed in the sun.

"We're going on a picnic. You have 20 minutes to get ready." You said delightly.

"Huh? A picnic? You must be kidding me." I was still a bit groggy and I felt embarrassed by my huge frizz of tangled hair.

"Nope. 18 minutes." You said and then climbed out the window. I followed you and saw your black Porche on the driveway.

You weren't kidding! I scampered out of my room and ran into the shower. I took the fastest shower with the winning record of 15 minutes. That left me about 3 minutes to get ready. I pulled my favorite blouse on and jumped into my ripped skinny jeans. I found the hair brush on the floor and brushed hard enough for my scalp to hurt. A minute  remained. I looked at my face in the mirror. I typically didn't wear makeup, let alone own some. My hazel eyes reflected with pure blankness. I remembered the bottle of mascara and the tube of eyeliner I got as a gift from my aunt. I quickly applied the makeup, trying to look my best.

I knew you were so strict with time and being late always bothered you. I jumped out the window in a rush but when my soles touched the cement, you car was no where in sight. My heart pounded faster and I looked everywhere. I was on the verge of tears, thinking you had left me when I saw the black Porche slowly appear before me. Your both hands clutched the steering wheel and you wore you favorite tint black sunglasses. You gave a honk and I jogged to the car. I tried opening the door to the passenger seat but it was locked. You chuckled and got out of your seat. You came around the vibrating car and opened the door.

"My lady" You beckoned.

I smiled. Not with my lips, but with my eyes this time.

I miss you. I was looking through my closet and I stumbled upon your old hoodie. I couldn't bear to look at it. It still had your fragrance, your smell. When I touched it, I could feel you there.

I don't know how many times I will apologize. But I will apologize until the last day I breathe. I'm sorry Ethan. For everything.

If only you told me earlier that you weren't embracing Claire but rather shoving her off you. If only I arrived a minute after. If only I restrained my patience.

If only I didn't have the hammer with me at that exact time....

Rosalie