P.S. Because I Loved You.

P.S. Because I Loved You [4].

August 8:

Dear Ethan,

How can you weigh against the broken promises pulling you down? I remember when I was about 5 years old, Keete (you know I don't like calling him "father") promised me some socks. I had only two pairs and it had been for a long year that I wore them. One was pink and brown - the ugliest combination ever to be produced. I recall sitting on the porch and playing with stones when the loose string caught my eye. I wanted to pull it out so I did. Except the string never broke off. It was like a stream, the more I pulled, the more it spilled out. I started to panick when I saw the small hole forming so I bit the string off. It was wrapped around my fingers when mum walked beside me.

She yelled "Damn Rosa, why you be trying to damage your socks? You ain't getting a new one if you're ripping it apart!"

I had replied, "But mommy, the string was out and I fixed it."

"What the hell you fix? You made a damn hole!"

She made me feel bitter inside and I started crying. I sobbed, "I'm sorry mommy! I didn't mean it! You don't have to buy me a new pair. I will wear this until all of it is gone! I'm sorry mommy!"

"You got that right," she scoffed. "You ain't getting a new pair."

She left me there in the porch as I was drying my tears out. I faintly remember how scared I was. I wasn't afraid of the sock, but of Keete's response. As I was picking up the stones and throwing them in the bush, mum came out again, with a cigarette in her hand. Everytime she smoked, I would hold my breath in because I knew the air she exhaled would stunt my growth.

She came and sat criss-cross beside me. I sucked in all my tears, hoping they wouldn't fall again and I vaccumed in all the leaky mucus from my nose.

"You okay baby girl? I'm sorry I yelled at you. Mommy didn't mean it." She said to me while tucking the hair from my face behind my ear.

"It's okay." I remember whispering.

"Here, let me make it all better." She took one long intake of her cigarette and threw it on the paveway. She pulled my leg onto her lap and said, "This way, you will feel better." 

Her fingers found their way to the string I had detached and she yanked it.

"Mommy what are you doing?!" I yelled frantically.

"It's all good baby girl." She reassured with a hint of laughter between her words.

"Mommy stop! You're ripping everything! My sock! Mommy STOP!" I shrieked.

I was bawling and hiccuping rhythmically to my cries. She pulled the string out until my heel was bare.

I gasped and weeped again. "M-mommy! L-l-ook at what you d-did!" I blubbered.

"Shut up! Now it doesn't look bad." She smirked.

I could never understand the women's thoughts, especially during my childhood years.

Silence devoured me and I said nothing. I kept quiet while staring at my socks until my vision became blurry. We both heard screeching tires turing in the corner. Mum got up.

"Dad's home. You tell him what you did during dinner."

I got up and kicked the rest of the stones out of the porch. I kicked at them with my flesh, pouring all my anger out.

Keete arrived and as he walked toward me, no doubt he saw my sock.

"Damn Rosalie, what did you do?" He hollered.

Before I could answer, mum yelled, "Dinner!"

Tears streamed down my cheeks again and this time I couldn't stop them. Keete wrapped his arms around me and said, "It's okay baby. Don't cry. Daddy will get you a new pair, okay? I promise."

I kept quiet and said nothing but I knew there was a light gleaming inside of me like a lighthouse.

Now as I write this, I remember there was no new sock. He lied and my innocence fell for it. In fact, the only new sock I got was in my 15th birthday. You gave me a pair. You had actually taken me out to a county fair, and you won them. I was so excited even though they were just socks. I felt like you had fulfilled Keete's promise.

There were many broken promises that were thrown into the distant. Many times did my heart break every time one lost value.

Rosalie

P.S. Tristan wants to take me somewhere tomorrow.