Adopted By The Sidemen (Sidemen Fanfiction)

Chapter 43

We are on our way home from Coventry. Honestly, it's quite depressing. I never saw my parents, but that didn't bother me. I had my giant bag of the fans' gifts in my lap. I was going to go through it all on our way home.

Whilst going through the bag, an envelope caught my eye. It was bright green with a lot of cute drawings on it. It was honestly very heartbreaking to rip it open. The car was silent to me because I had my headphones in. I was oblivious to anything and everything except for the contents of that bag. I pulled out a letter from the envelope carefully. I read it slowly, capturing every word. It read:

To The Girl He Choses,

Congrats. He loves you so much. Take care of him. Please. Kiss him when he's mad. Hold him when he's sad. Make him laugh when he's stressed. Let him know he can trust you. Make sure he's comfortable at all times. Tell him you love him every single day. Just so he won't forget. Appreciate small gestures. Like him singing to you. Him kissing your nose and forehead. Holding your hand. Don't break him. Don't hurt him. Because he loves you so much. Fuck please just love him because you have everything that I have ever wanted and you're not just going to let that go dammit. Please, just please, treat him right. He is my entire world.

-Just A Fan

(I have no idea who wrote that but if you do, please feel free to let me know. <3) I sighed. Damn. That fan was me just seven months ago. This person was obviously talking about Simon. But Simon and I never released that we were a couple. No one mentioned it at Insomnia. Did we just look like we were together? I put my face in my hands and felt overwhelmed. I don't know what to fucking think of this note. I had hurt him, I had let this person down. Be he had hurt me too. I looked out the window at the raindrops steadily beating down. The Fray sang to me in my headphones as I thought. People don't intentionally mean to hurt anyone. They are just scared or angry. They do things when they are scared. They do things when they are angry. I was in a different car with different people this ride. Simon being one of them. He sat beside me in the back seat. Cal took my spot in the other car, so it was me, Simon, Josh, and Vik. I looked over at Simon. He was on his phone. I looked at his eyes as they darted around the screen quickly. I watched his fingers tap away. His mind was elsewhere. And so was mine. What if I still love him? What if I still want to be with him? Will he cheat on me again? Will he hurt me? These questions with many more floated around my mind. My mind chewed at these thoughts non-stop. It wouldn't swallow them or spit them out. I looked back out at the window and rested my head against the window. I felt a hand land softly on my knee and I looked down at it. It was Simon's hand, I knew because of the ring, and that he was the only one within arms reach of me. I took one of my earbuds out and looked up at his concerned face. "Are you alright?" He asked. I looked down at the letter still in my lap. I hesitantly picked it up and handed it over to Simon. His eyes went from word to word quickly. After he read it, he looked up at me nervously and then back at the paper. He looked as if he was searching for something. Why the hell had I let him read it? He handed me the paper and looked away. He looked past The seat in front of him onto the windshield. I guess he didn't care. I sighed mentally. It was stupid of me to think about Simon and I again. I reluctantly pulled out my phone and clicked on Twitter. My thumbs lingered over the keyboard before I typed out a new tweet. 'I'm sorry. I'm afraid I've let you down.' Was what I tweeted. I didn't link anyone or thing. I saw Simon look at his phone then at me the put his head in his hands out of the corner of my eye. Why can't I stop thinking about him? Why? Why me? Why now? Why did it take a note from a fan for me to finally realize that I still wanted to be with him? I still wanted to be able to kiss him and hold him. I wanted to do exactly what that note said. Not only have I let that fan down, I hurt myself and Simon. I hurt myself by not being able to decide what to do. I hurt Simon by ending our relationship even though he hurt me first. You can't fight fire with fire. I don't care how cliché that is, it's true. I'm scared to try again with Simon. I'm scared that things will go bad just like last time, but this time, we won't be able to fix our friendship. I don't want to lose Simon altogether, so I'm willing to not be with him. Eventually, I will move on and get over him. It may take a long ass time, but it will happen. I saw Simon glance over at me multiple times, but I didn't acknowledge it. I was way too busy in my mind. I felt as if my mind was going to explode if I thought about that anymore. I looked out at the falling raindrops and focused on the music. It was now Eminem. Even though the song he was singing was happy and cheerful and one of those songs you turn up to, I couldn't bring myself to do just that. I couldn't bring myself to be happy and cheerful. I couldn't do it. That scared me too. I wanted to be happy. A wave of depression took over me. This is probably how it's going to be for a few weeks, even months. I would get used to it, and it wouldn't be as bad, but it would still be there. It would always be there. In the orphanage, people would try and talk to me and tell me to 'Just be happy. It's not that hard.' They would repeat. Anger built up inside of me just thinking of all of the people repeating that all my life. Do those people think I wake up that day and choose to 'Just be depressed.'? No. I don't. No one chooses to be depressed. I thought about all of these feelings and emotions as I slowly drifted off to a restless sleep.