Learning to Live, Again

Chapter Twenty-two

Niamh

I lay in the hospital bed, my eyes closed. Heath was curled up against my left side, and Dean was curled up against my right side. I held my boys to me, and my heart swelled with happiness. I'd thought I'd never see them again...

Everyday all I could think about were my boys. All I'd wanted to do was to see them one last time. When the TV had said that I was dead, my heart had ached with what I imagined my sons must be feeling. 

I had even began to wish for death. I figured that I was already dead in everyone's eyes, so I might as well be dead in real life. At least if I was dead I could watch my children grow up. I'd be able to watch over them at all times and make sure they were okay.

I took a deep breath, beginning to nod off when I heard someone step into the room. I stiffened, listening intently, and then relaxing a little when I heard the small feminine steps.

"Niamh, I know you're not sleeping." I sighed, opening my eyes and looking to my right. Natasha pulled up a chair and sat beside my bed. "He's still out there you know." 

I swallowed the lump in my throat. I knew who she was talking about, and I felt guilty for making him stay away, but I was so afraid to see him. It was just because he was a man. I looked horrible, and I knew it. Plus, whenever someone looked at me, I felt like they could tell what I went through. They could tell how damaged and worthless I was now. They could tell how gross I was, and how all I wanted to do was scrubbed my skin with hot water and bleach for hours and hours.

"Niamh, I know you're scared right now-" She went to put her hand on mine, and, as a reflex, I jerked it away from her. Her eyes were filled with pity, and that was worse than seeing eyes filled with anger. "As your doctor, I advise you to take it slow, but as your friend, I ask that you look into your heart. You trusted this man with your children. Can't you trust him with yourself?"

I bit my lip, tears brimming my eyes. She had a point, but I couldn't bring myself to let him see me. I was too scared. I couldn't even have a male doctor touch my arm without being afraid he was going to hurt me; how was I suppose to have a male touch me and not have him be a doctor?

Sinking into my bed, I hugged my boys tighter to me. These were the only males I wanted near me. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "Tell him to leave and not come back."

Natasha frowned. "Niamh, you can't do that to him. You can't just take those boys from him. I've seen how he looks at them. They may as well be his flesh and blood."

"Well, they're not," I snapped. "They're my children, and I no longer trust him to care for their well being. Tell him to leave and not come back."

Natasha stood up, a frown on her face. "Niamh, seriously, think about what you'll be doing to him- to those boys."

I glared at Natasha. "Doctor," I spit, "I asked you to get rid of him. As your patient, I ask, once again, for you to tell him to not come back."

Natasha sighed, sadness in her eyes. "So that's how it is? Fine, Ms. Harvey, I'll do as you ask, but you're going to regret it." 

Natasha turned from me and walked out of the room, her shoulders tense with anger. Sinking deeper into my bed, I cried again for everything those men took from me.