Learning to Live, Again

Chapter Thirty-four

Caleb

"I'm fine. Honestly.. my chest doesn't even hurt anymore. Owe!"

Catherine sat back, taking her hand off my chest with a smirk. "See? Not better."

I scowled, setting my own hand gently on my chest. "Ouch," I grumbled. "You know how dangerous that is? You could kill me doing that."

She laughs, shaking her head and rolling her eyes. "And yet, you want to race out there just to get shot again. You need to wait until you are 100%. You can't protect anyone like this." Her words hurt more than the bullet that tore through my chest, and her eyes immediately looked guilty. "Caleb, I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"

Shaking my head, I held my hand up to stop her. "No.. you're right. I can't protect anyone like this.."

We sat in awkward silence for a bit, each thinking their own thoughts. Dorothy was with her mother's "new friend" for the day, gaining on some much needed bonding time. Catherine explained that she wanted them to be friends before she explained to her daughter that Zach was going to potentially be Dorothy's stepfather. 

"She keeps asking about them, you know," Catherine murmured out of nowhere. Even without asking, I knew who she was talking about. "She keeps asking, 'When can I see cousin Dean and cousin Heath? When can I see them?' " She looks up at me, her green eyes sad. "I haven't answered her yet.. I know the answer, but I'm too scared to tell her. She won't understand."

I nod, grunting a little in response. "Has she been in to see you," Catherine asks, and when I shake my head, she scowls. "Are you serious? After everything you've done for her? She's just decided she's going to take those boys away from you?"

"They're not mi-"

"They might as well be," she says as she stands up to pace, her green eyes blazing. "How dare she! She's the reason you got shot!"

I shake my head. "No, it was my decision to help her. I-"

"She's right..." The voice came from the door, and even as quiet as it was, I knew it was Niamh's. 

Catherine turns to the door, shock on her features before she straightens her shirt out. "Damn right, I'm right."

"Cat, please.." Catherine turns to look at me before slowly nodding.

"Fine.. I'll go get us something to eat. I'll be back in a little bit..." She gives Niamh a once over before turning and leaving.

Once we're alone, I don't know what to say. Niamh stands in the door way, her hands in front of her. She chews on her thumbnail, obviously nervous to be in here. "It's good to see you," I say finally, watching as she jumps.

She looks up, her beautiful gray eyes bright. The last time I had seen them, they'd been in the face of a four year old boy. I loved Heath, but his mother's eyes were my favorite eyes. Her hair was cut uneven and choppy, and it had grown out a bit since the last time I'd seen it. Her face was yellow with bruises as they healed, and her hands and body were scarred. 

Her hand rested on her stomach, and my heart sank. It was hard for the untrained eye to see, but I could. I had seen the pictures of Heath's pregnancy all over Niamh's house, and it was obvious from looking at her, that she was indeed, pregnant. I wondered how she felt about it.. about having a rapist's baby in her uterus. I knew she didn't hate the baby.. she couldn't. That baby wasn't at fault for the actions of its father, but I wondered what Niamh's plan for it was..

"I'm sorry for getting you shot," she murmured, and my eyes traveled from her stomach to her eyes. 

I smiled softly. "It's not the first time I've gotten shot protecting a maiden as lovely as yourself," I murmured, trying to make her smile. Her lips didn't even twitch.

"Caleb," she murmured, and even before she said it, I knew what was coming. "I don't want to see you anymore.. I thank you for everything you've done, and I am eternally in your debt, but I can't see you anymore."

"Why?"

Her eyes met mine, and she seemed surprised. "Why?"

I nod. "Why? Why can't you see me anymore? Is it because of your pregnancy? I will be there for you whatever you decide. If you want to keep the child, I'll be there for you. If you want to get an abortion, I'll be there holding your hand. I promise."

She shakes her head.

"Is it because I couldn't protect you? If it is, I am so sorry, Niamh. I will regret not being there to protect you everyday of my life, but I promise I will make it up to you. Please, let me make it up to you."

"I can't Caleb," she says, her voice shaking. "I can't, okay? You remind me of what my life was before, and what it can never be again. I can't- I can't look at you without remember what happened to me; all the pain and the suffering I went through.. I look at you, and I remember.. and I don't want to remember anymore."

She turned and left, a tear falling down her cheek. "Niamh, wait! Please! Niamh!" I struggled to get out of bed, my chest hurting. I was gasping with pain, but I had to follow her.

Catherine walked in as I began to take my heart monitors and things off. She dropped our food. "Caleb! What are you thinking?? Get back in bed!" She came over, wrapping her arms around me.

I tried to push her off. "I need to follow her. I can't just let her walk away."

"You can, and you must. You're going to kill yourself, and then where would Dorothy be? Huh? Down a father and an uncle. Is that what you want?"

I let her and the nurses help me back into bed. My chest hurt, but it wasn't just from the physical wound there. 

~~~~~

Niamh 

I leaned against the wall of the hospital, head in my hands as I sobbed. I knew I had hurt Caleb with what I had said, but it was for his own good. I had to protect him. I had to keep him safe.. if he was killed because of me.. I don't know what I'd do. I could never forgive myself.

The baby in my stomach, my little girl, kicked against me, and I cried harder. I couldn't kill her.. she was so real to me now.. I could picture her crawling around on the floor after her brothers.. I could picture her curled up in bed with me after a nightmare. I could picture her getting piggy backs from Heath and Dean as they raced around the backyard. 

My heart ached. I could see her as if she was right in front of me.. grey eyes, pink skin, brown hair like my mother's. She looked so perfect, and I couldn't kill her without a fight. Even if I had to hide my pregnancy and give her away, at least then I knew she'd be safe.

I slowly straightened up, trying to control my breathing. I needed to calm down before I went home.. I didn't need my mother or my sons to see me like this, so broken and afraid. I needed to be strong for them.. for my sons. They needed to know I could protect them. They needed to be assured that I wouldn't let anything happen to them..