Everything Goes Black

Strong

It has been a week since I almost gave myself to Hikaru. He caught me cutting myself and stopped the bleeding before I could pass out. I could see the hurt in his eyes. That hasn't changed a bit. I thought that he would hit me but he didn't of course. He just kissed me and tried to get me to talk to him. To give him a why on what I do. I didn't answer. I locked myself away from him. I didn't want to talk.

We are under our special tree now after school. My body hurts but I don't show it. My male gym teacher decided to take a piece of me today and I couldn't say no. The only part that scared me... was the fact that he paid me afterwards. Not much, just thirty dollars. Does he see me as a prostitute? I don't sell myself! My grade was on the line! What the hell man?!

I lean against Hikaru who was very silent. He usually talks my ear off... why was he so silent? I look up at him and notice he was staring off into space his eyes blank and dull. I say his name and get nothing out of him. I grit my teeth and shook him making him flinch. "Huh? Wha?" he looked at me. "O... oh. Do you need something?" his eyes remained blank.

What's wrong with him? He has been distant from me since he caught me cutting... maybe that's it. He feels that he's losing me. But why someone like me? Even so... I do feel sorry for him. He loves someone who wants nothing more than to themselves to end all of the pain.

I only hug him in response and tell him I love him. It would never be a lie. I love him with all my heart. His eyes softened and he hugged him back. "I love you too..." he murmured against my hair before pulling back. We share a gentle loving kiss. It wasn't deep or passionate. Full of want or desire.

We pull apart and I look into his eyes. Such a handsome face... I'm so lucky. I know people are jealous of us. Many men want me all to themselves while many girls want Hikaru. Well... I suppose that's too bad now isn't it?

"Do you want me to walk you home?" he asks me after our kiss. I smile weakly and nod. So off we go to my nightmare. I hope father is working. I don't want to deal with him. I'm just so tired. I lean into Hikaru and quiver. I don't want to be raped tonight. I just want to rest, sleep. Something to get rid of the pain I'm in now. But if father is home and drunk...

He takes me home and we part ways after another kiss. "I'll call you tonight. Love you." I watch him walk away. I don't know when we will try to make love again. When I feel up to it maybe or maybe not...

I freeze hearing a crash from inside. My hair falls over my eyes as I go inside. I suppose I'll just have to deal with it. I never get what I want. My prayers are never answered.

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I have a good life, I know I do. My parents are so wonderful and nice. My pa is a social worker, taking children out of rough situations when their parents neglect or abuse them. My ma is a doctor to children. She is a... bit happy and squeals when she sees a baby. They both are kind hearted and love each other and me. I love them back.

I don't have something to complain about. I'm spoiled rotten. I have everything I ever wanted. But... I wish Ayato had something more to live for. It hurts to see him wanting to kill himself. I want him to have the strength to go through each day. He's slipping away. Why does he have to be this way?

The moment I go inside, I'm greeted to a crushing hug from my ma. "Welcome home honey! I missed you all day!" Like I said, she gets excited this way. She's making dinner right now. My pa can't cook to save his life. He'd burn down the kitchen!

I hug her back and she grins happily. "Why don't you come and help me cook? You can make the salad for me!" I agree of course she follow her into the kitchen. I'm surrounded by love at home. I wonder what Ayato feels? He never says that he isn't but... you never know.

Over the years, I've seen bruises on him that he tries so hard to hide. When I point them out, he just says that he fell and so clumsy. I don't buy it. But could his father really be abusing him? He's a social worker like pa after all. I'm not sure about anything anymore.

I help ma with dinner and soon I hear the front door open. "I'm home! Mmm it smells so good in here!" Ma goes and greets pa with a kiss so I go back to cutting the vegetables. They are still a young couple... so they still do that loving stuff. Bakas... but I love them for it.

We have a normal family meal like every night and pa says grace. I'm thankful to have anything so I say my own in my head. "Mmm tastes so good! I'm lucky to have wonderful cooks in the house!" I chuckle hearing pa. They are so cute...

After dinner I go into my room and lie down on my bed. I wish I could make Ayato strong. He's so frail... so out of it. I try to be strong for him but he just gets weaker and weaker. I love him, but... does he truly love me?

I shake the sadness away from my mind. But they don't go away. Tears start to fall from my eyes. Weakness... but I can't help it. I don't want him to die! I'm so tired of being strong! I'm so tired... of all the stress. I curl up in a ball and quiver. Why does living and caring for someone hurt so much?

I feel a hand on my arm. "Hey... are you alright?" Pa... you come at such the strangest time. I don't answer, but I sit up and hug him tightly tears running down my face. "Do you want to talk about it? I'm here when you need me kiddo." he said gently.

I do talk to him about Ayato. I tell him how distant and frail he's getting. I tell him about how he wants to kill himself. How I want him to be happy. How I'm tired from being strong. This only makes me break into a sob.

He holds me close and listens to my concerns. He is understanding about a lot of things. "I'll talk to his father... Hikaru I know you want to save him from himself. But it's up to Ayato to help himself a bit. Ok?" He's being gentle about it.

I have to help him. No matter what happens to me, I'll help him. But I don't tell him that. I just sob into his chest while he comforts me. "I'm here for you kiddo... just let it all out." And I do. He knows I'm not a strong, cold hearted person. I'm kind and weak... I can know I can only pretend for so long. This face I put on... won't last forever.