Everything Goes Black

Prologue

Anytime I want to end it all, he brings me back. I should hate him for it yet I just can't. He has a positive look on life and probably always will.

He has it all: perfect family, perfect look, plenty of friends, any girl he could choose from. I don't know why he bothers with a person like me, In fact, I just waste everyone's time unless they have some dirty use for me. I can't take much more of that embarrassment.

Yet he seems like a light among all the dark thoughts in my head. I feel wanted around him him and he treats me like a best friend and a companion. He always tell me that he will actually miss me if I succeed into the darkness and that he will always be there to help me through my struggles.

But he can't be there at home with me. He can't stop my father from beating me and from coming into my room at night to 'play' with me. He can't stop me from getting a razor blade and cutting deep into my wrists. He doesn't understand what I'm going through, not that I have told him.

But I know he cares about me. Anytime he calls or texts me, he always asks me if I'm okay. When he walks me to school or with me to class, I can sense the worry, friendship, and love from him. When we share kisses... I know he actually loves me. He never takes advantage of me. He really and truly loves me and I'm so grateful for him.Without his gently, sweet love, he could never stop me from ending my life. My heart is crying out all the time for some kind of love and he always answers my call.

I need him... I can't hate. Thank you, my love... thank you Hikaru.

I can never understand him, I just can't! He always seems so distant from me, so far up in the clouds of depression and self shame.

I want to make him happy but sometimes I feel as though I do more harm than good. I've been his best friend ever since we were about five or six and he's always been so quiet and depressed. I always feel that he has a secret life beyond me and doesn't trust me enough to understand his inner pain.

I want to understand him so much more. He is so mysterious. My pa tells me to be weary of him because he doesn't want me to get hurt in the long run. But he couldn't hurt me. He pushes me away all the time, but he never wants me to leave him in the dust forever. He acts so fearful during the strangest of times.

I just wish he could be happy and without fear. It hurts to always see him with bandaged wrists. I have stopped him more than once from swallowing a whole bottle of pills. He sometimes looks at traffic as though thinking about jumping right in front of a speeding car or semi truck.

He yells at me for stopping him, but then looks so sad that his father doesn't seem to care about this emotional problems. I have promised him that I wouldn't tell my pa about this father's behavior, but he seems to be checking on. Pa isn't a stupid man, he is a social worker after all.

I'm lucky to have my ma and pa in my life as I do now. His mother left with his older brother Tomoya when he was only five. I ask about him some days but stop when I see depression dull his eyes and tense his body.

Even after all of his problems, I just feel so happy to be around him. I love him so much... he made the first move to start our relationship when he was a freshman starting high school.

He is the light of my life... my boyfriend... my other half... my chibi, lovely Ayato.