Everything Goes Black

Insane

I want to cut. It's been a long time since I've done that. I didn't want to when Tomoya was in a coma. But now that he's like this, I don't feel so bad. He doesn't care about me anymore. He only wants to see Hikaru without his clothes. Hikaru wants to be with me, I know that, but I just don't want to look at him. He holds my brother's affection at the moment.

I know I sound selfish. But that's how my mind works. Maybe it's how I feel too. I don't know anymore. I just don't want to feel anymore. Who would know?

Father's abuse at home has gotten worse now that mum is here. His attacks... the rapes... have more pain and force. I've gotten weaker because of all this shit. I can sense worry from Hikaru at my limps but I want to ignore him right now. I need release... my mind to go fuzzy.

I walk home from the hospital Hikaru by my side. We are silent hand in hand. I know he wants to talk to me. But I continue to shut him out. It probably isn't a good idea. He just wants to help me. But I won't let him.

I kiss him goodbye. The kiss is gentle and full of love. I close my eyes and enjoy it completely. The love we share is so strong... so pure and complete. I want this to last forever. But I have a mission. And I will keep to it.

I break the kiss and nuzzle him. His heartbeat is so comforting... I hug him before pulling away and going inside. "I love you Ayato." He calls after me. I look back at him and see hopein his face. I tell him i love him too and walk into my house. I watch Hikaru walk to his house.

Then all hell breaks loose. I hear my father stomp toward me and I shield my face from his punches. The hits are just physical pain. The words sink in deep. Soon I find myself bent over the dining room table. I beg for him not to do it. I don't want this.

I hear the sound of his zipper and close myself accepting my fate. I'm my father's whore after all. I feel him touch my opening with his erection before I tune myself out of the world. Our bodies move together in a hard fast motion. The sound of flesh against flesh was loud in my ears.

"Damn it boy! I bet you love to feel your father inside of your tight ass! You won't stop squeezing me so hard!" He grunts and quickens the pace inside of me. Stop! It hurts so much! "You feel so good! You're already so hard! You want this don't you?! You beg for your father to love your dirty ass don't you?!" He purred

No! Stop it! But he doesn't. He soon fills me with his seed, but continues to thrust into me. I bite down hard on my arm and stare at the wall tears streaming down my face. This is all my life is. Pain and shame. Why do I let myself go through this?

He finally stops after two long hours and pulls away from me. I collapse on the floor panting. My vision grows hazy. I crawl away to the bathroom and sat on the floor sobbing. What did I do to deserve this? Fuck this life!

I grab my old friend and run my finger over the sharp edge. I need this. I need to pass out. My whole body hurts like hell. I cut across an old scar and watch the blood flow out of my wrist. I continue until I start to swim in the darkness. Old friend... I've missed you so much. You give me so much help...

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I eat with my parents and talk happily to them. I have a wonderful life. Awesome parents too. And a lovable old grumpy cat to cuddle with at night. I just wish Ayato would be the same. Who knew there would be drama in our relationship?

I wish Tomoya wouldn't flirt with me. It's so stupid. He grabbed my groin today. I'm glad Ayato wasn't there to see it. He seen started playing with me before I stopped him. That was so creepy... and disgusting.

I watch my parents joke around and laugh. I wish our relationship was this picture perfect. But i guess we are meant to have some troubles. Pa looks at me. "What's wrong son? More trouble with Ayato?" I nod. "Do you want to talk about it?" I hesitate, but nod and start to explain. They both listen and seem worried.

"So... that's what's been happening? I'm so sorry son..." I smile weakly and sigh shaking my head. "I hope it gets better my little prince... you should be happy." Ma is so sweet. I just hope she's right.

"Ayato would be insane not to trust you." Pa says. I hope he's right too. I need Ayato's trust... I need his love. He's my perfect love... he just needs to see the good in his heart. Not the little flaws he creates.

I just hope this blows over before I go insane myself.