You're a Bottom, Harry

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[Long time no update! I'll try to update twice a week until I finish the story from now on, but no promises!]

Harry tossed the chart into the fire and sat back in his plush armchair, sighing. He needed a date for the Yule Ball, but who would go with him? What boy in his right mind would go with Harry? Could he just ditch his female date and go with a boy?

The fire crackled as Harry tossed a piece of parchment on it. He sat back, watching the paper burn.

Suddenly a face popped up in the flames.

"Sirius!" Harry exclaimed, jumping out of his chair. "Where did you go? You just disappeared."

"I went to go find my own Prediction Chart from my days at Hogwarts. Guess who I was matched with?" Sirius raised a flaming eyebrow. When Harry failed to respond, he said, "Remus, that's who. But guess who wouldn't go out with me? Remus. I lost thirty galleons on that fellow alone."

Harry smiled. "I didn't know you bet so much money on those stupid charts."

His godfather chuckled heartily, almost disappearing from the fireplace in the process. "I guess so." And with that Sirius was gone, his deep, throaty laugh echoing in the now empty common room.

Harry ran up the stairs, conflicted and exhausted. Sirius still didn't know he was going to the Yule Ball with a GIRL. Not a boy, not a non-binary student, no one of Hagrid's fun little pets. A girl. Wasn't this directly against the instructions Sirius gave?

Harry tossed and turned all night, still clothed. His warm, comfortable bed couldn't make him sleepy just yet. As the world of dreams reeled him in, inch by inch, he pondered his situation.

"What should I do?" he mumbled to himself. "Just wait?"

***

Harry gingerly opened an eyelid. "Ron! What the hell?" he jerked away from his friend's freckled face, which was only inches away from his own. "Ron, what time is it?"

"Bloody hell! Calm down! You're not late!" Ron turned away to hide the grin creeping over his face. This was probably the reaction he wanted.

"I had a dream... that..." Harry pieced together the sentence slowly.

Ron rolled his eyes. "Yeah, whatever. Dreams and divination and all that crap are for suckers, mate."

Harry quickly got dressed and followed Ron to the Great Hall.

As Harry, Ron, and Hermione dug into their breakfast, Hedwig dropped a letter on the table.

Hermione read the writing on envelope. "It's for you, Harry," she said. "It says to open it in the Great Hall."

"Maybe it's for one of you as well?" Harry asked.

Ron bit into a slice of bread. "I dunno, it doesn't look very safe," he said while chewing. Ron swallowed. "Just open it, it can't be that bad."

Harry reached for the letter in Hermione's hands. He tore open the envelope, and then realized what the letter was, but it was already too late.

The letter screamed, "HARRY JAMES POTTER! WHAT THE F*CK DID I TELL YOU TO DO, HUH? WHAT SORT OF PUNK BASTARD DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU I SWEAR ON MY MOTHER'S LIFE I WILL STRANGLE YOU AND- have a nice day in class <3."

The trio sat there, shocked. The entire hall seemed to be looking at them. It wasn't every day someone got a howler. Finally Ron broke the silence. "How the f*ck did that howler just say '<3' out loud?"

"I have absolutely no idea," Hermione said quietly. "Now we know what that letter was."