Is This The Real Life?

I should be sleeping

Hey...

Trigger warning maybe, probably.

I should be sleeping but I can't. Or more accurately, I won't. It's early in the morning and I can see myself not sleeping at all tonight.

Hello anxiety. Hello panic attacks. Hello depression. Hello suicidal thoughts. Hello self harm. I haven't missed you, but welcome back into my life.

My life is falling apart again. I miss my family. I mean my real family: my friends who are probably all sleeping and my music. Not my family of the same DNA.

I'm fucked up. I'm a freak. I can vaguely survive being trans and deal with being ace. But not my emotions. I'm overwhelmed. I can't do this anymore. I'm living three lives. At school I'm Carter. With family I'm [birth name]. And when I'm truly alone at 3:00am crying in my room I'm just a fucked up person who can't deal with life. These lives don't cross over. They can't. And I'm so damn tired of trying to be different to be accepted but I don't have a choice. At home I hear racist, sexist, rude, judgmental comments on politics. Hearing that trans people can't be and that everyone is what their birth certificate says and that gay people aren't right and women can't accomplish as much as men and that people with mental illnesses should be locked up away from the public and being told that if someone is Muslim or from the Middle East that they are a terrorist and to stay far away from them and being told not to trust someone if they're African American and that people are messed up if they're Asian and Native Americans are horrible people that should die and listening to my dad swearing and saying homeless people and drug addicts are wasting oxygen and should be killed and that Mexicans are all criminals. My dad is always saying stuff like this. It pisses me off so much because when I try to say my opinions he gets angry and argues. He's stubborn and has anger issues. He loves Donald Trump and wants to be friends with him and share ideas. I cannot live with him and suppress my opinions. We keep arguing every day. 

My grades are dropping again. I have so much anxiety all the time at school. I can't even go to the fucking bathroom because I know I won't belong. I'm losing the motivation to do homework which is terrifying me. I need more alone time than I can have. I need to hug my best friends and be with people I can really trust but they either live in another place or aren't at my school anymore.

I don't know what to do with my life anymore. Seeing as the average trans person doesn't live as long as cis people you could say I'm having a midlife crisis. Laughing because twisted humor now... I'm just a teenager and I'm worried about death and marriage and college and jobs and taxes... And existential crisis. What is the meaning of life? (Hint:it's 42! I will love you if you understand) But really. I don't know why I'm alive or what purpose I have. Right now my goal as I live on this chunk of rock floating around a ball of gas in the sky, I just want to help people. I want to learn to play guitar and percussion and sing and properly write music and just use music help people because if I only inspire a few people during my time on this planet I can die a happy man. I guess it's also to give back to the world in return for my friends and the music that has kept me alive this long.

Right now I'm mostly trying not to freak out and panic but I'm too much of an abomination to succeed there. I guess this is what happens to my mind when and I can't control it well.

Thanks to everyone that puts up with me. I'm really grateful.

Love ya,
Carter
<3 ;