Fixing a broken girl

Chapter 13: Cant outrun my demons

Why is it that I can't never come to peace with myself?
I've been angry and hurting for so long that I have forgotten what peace is. Forgiving Nate was progress I guess. But why couldn't I realise that maybe Noah's death isn't my fault. Maybe that was the demon I had been trying to face for so long. It aches my breaking heart. But I still can't help but to blame myself for it.

Noah could have made it out alive, he could have been living right now, maybe I could have made that sacrifice, and been the bigger person for Noah, he didn't deserve to die, no! We didn't deserve to die. I feel as if just because I'm living doesn't mean I actually feel alive. I can't feel alive without Noah, and I'm pretty sure Tyler feels the same.

If I could see Noah I'd just want the chance to tell him that I know I let him down but would it be too late to say sorry now? I wouldn't care if I had to give up my life to see him, oh I'd do anything to get a glimpse of my brother. But I guess we can't get everything we want. Especially when Noah can never come back.
Which makes me think. Where is he? in heaven?

Hmm
Where's god?

Does he exist?

Is the damned really allowed to live? If so why am I living?

There's so many unanswered questions. I see the church and wonder why people waste their time there. What do you pray for? What's he going to give you?

Hope? For what? If I were to pray to him would he bring back my brother?

Would he make my life better? With worthy parents that would have loved us unconditionally?

Don't get me wrong, Kaye is the best thing that has happened to Tyler and I, but sometimes I'd like to think, what it would be like to have married parents, with steady jobs and we'd come home to dinner on the table with the words of
"Hey sweetheart how was your day?" Or "You look beat hunny, would you like something to eat to ease your struggled day?"

Kaye has time for us but not enough, she's always working, and Tyler and I barely see each other during the day. And when were at home we speak but not enough. I know, I'm a selfish person but Tyler is all I have close to me.

Something's up with Him though, his not the same anymore. And what it seems like that "argument" with Kaye has taken a huge toll on him. And it's really starting to worry me.

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Cole had walked me home and to my surprise he walked me all the way to the front door.

"Thank you for today. It means a lot that you'd listen to my sob story and not judge me about it"

We were looking into each other's eyes again, this overwhelming feeling came over me. And it wasn't hate for this boy.

Was I starting to develop something? Other than hate?

No it could be just the pity. Or what if it isn't?

I took this moment to analyse what he was wearing and his facial perfections. He was wearing black jeans and a long sleeved Tshirt with a black and grey vest, I also noticed he has tattoos streaming up his arms they were dark enough to show through the white shirt. They stopped at his collarbone.

He had the longest eyelashes. His brown eyes complimented them. Their was a tinge of pink in his cheeks, and his lips were perfectly shaped. A little bit shiny from his tongue that just ran across it quickly which made him bite his lip straight after.

"Uhh thanks for walking me home Cole" he smiled at my words.

Oh that smile!

That smile!