Victory and defeat

Addiction and assult

I'm an addict. Not the kind of alcohol addict you see in tv but an addict. I have an addiction to gambling. I'm an addict. The squad knows about this. It's not like I'm proud of it. I have to stop. I quit. Starting a week ago. I'm proud of that. I'm walking home from work when I feel someone following me. I walk a little faster trying to shake off the feeling but it doesn't go away. I decided to take the long way into the ally to get to my apartment. Suddenly I hear a gun cock

"Try and trick me you little bitch?!"
"No and who are you?" I asked trying to stall
"Your worst nightmare" he hits me with the gun and I fall to the ground in pain

Then he shoves me up against the wall and unzips my pants. I cry for help but he slaps me across the faceI try to get away but he hits my head so hard that I feel dizzy. I seriously feel as though I'm gonna throw up.I'm brought back from my thoughts when I feel him. He shoved it so hard.

"Please stop" I cried
"Shut up"
"HELLLLLPPPP" I screamed
"I said shut up" he said as he bashed my head into the wall

He shoved it so hard this time I thought I was gonna pass out. He did one last turn and then beat me. Right before he left he pushed me to the ground. I didn't even have the strength to call anyone for help. I grabbed my phone and dialed the number almost passing out. Okay I'm gonna throw up. I thought I leaned over and vomited onto the cold and hard sidewalk. I pressed call after I had finished. She picked up on the third ring
"Benson?"
"Olivia" I said weakly
"Amanda are you okay?"
"No" I managed before starting to cry again
"Ok hold on I'm coming where are you?"
"The alley a block away from the prec..." I passed out
"Amanda? Amanda? Rollins!"
Olivia started to worry so she put on her coat ignoring the fact it was 9:45

Olivia got out of her car only to find me bleeding on the ground
"I need a bus" she shouted
"Come on Amanda stay with me"
"Liv" I opened my eyes weakly
"That's it good girl"
"Damn-it I need a frickin bus!" Olivia shouted. The paramedics finally showed up and loaded me onto a gurney
"I..need Oliv..ia Bens..on" I mumbled
"Its okay I'm right here Amanda" I always admired how she was like a second mom to me. I started to cry. Every inch of my body hurt including my head especially. Olivia moved her hand and started to stroke my cheek. "Shshhsh Amnda in right here that's it good girl"

I woke up later in the hospital. I winced when I sat up.

"Hey your awake"
"yep I whispered".
"How you feeling?"
"Horrible like I'm gonna puke"

Olivia acted fast and brought me over a bucket. I hurled into it and cried at the pain it brought me to sit up.
"Olivia?"
"Yes?"
"Will you stay with me?"
"Sure Amanda"
She put her cost down and brought over a chair.
"I have to tell you what happened don't I?" She nodded
"But take your time" I sighed and looked up holding back the tears.

"I was walking home when I felt someone following me. I turned and tried to go out of my way but he pulled me into the alley and got mad at me. He yelled at me and hit me. With his gun." A tear rolled down my cheek. Then he raped me and when he was finished cut me and smashed my head into the wall"

"I'm so sorry Amanda"
They did a rape kit and came back. "We have news" the doctor said. "You're pregnant". ( thanks ssa_jeid ) let more tears out. "I'm sorry what?" The doctor nodded and left the room.
I started to hyperventilate and Olivia brought me to her and let me cry in her chest.

"I can't be pregnant. I didn't want this. I'm a recovering addict, a survivor of sexual assault and now I'm going to be a mother"! "I know Amanda you're okay" "let's just wait to tell the squad." I nod and say " I don't want to tell them. I'm not ready. I'll go back to work and I'll tell them I got beat up but it's take dare of but I'm not telling them I'm pregnant"

"Whatever you need and want Amanda" Olivia said as she helped me into the wheelchair. I winced and slightly screamed getting in because I was so bruised and beaten up. She led me in into the precinct here I was out of my wheelchair but she had previously informed everyone not to ask questions unless I wanted to talk about it

1 hour earlier
"Guys listen up Amanda is in the hospital because she was assaulted there was a rape kit done and she is resting so no questions got it?" Carisi, and Fin nodded

I walked into the interrogation room and sank. I slid down the walls hugging my knees close to my body. I couldn't help it. I started to cry quietly. I'm pregnant. Not with Nicks but my rapists baby. How am I supposed to do this. I never wanted this baby. I don't believe in abortion so of course I'm not gonna take my baby's life. I'll raise this baby. But what if every time I look at my baby I see the rapist?. I continued to cry only louder this time. I was only interrupted by Liv coming in. She grabbed my hand and said

"What happened to you is not at all fair. I'm so sorry and just know that I'm here for you"

I felt myself about to cry again. "It's okay go ahead you have every right. I let the tear I've been holding in roll down my cheek. I cried into Olivia's chest. She pulled my hair back and soothed me. I sat up a little while later and said

"I'm pregnant"
"I know Amanda, I know"
"Come on let's go outside" I let her lead me out of the room and I sat down at my desk.
"Hey Amanda you okay?"
"Getting better Fin thanks for asking"

I relax and flip through the pages of my paperwork. I'm good until I get a call. "Hello?" I ask picking up the phone on my desk. . I almost choke on my next words "who are you and what do you want
"I am your worst nightmare and I have a message for you"
"Rollins?" I hear Carisi say

Inside I'm panicking. It's him. I feel the tears coming into my eyes. I bit my lip to try and hold it in.
"Amanda what's wrong?" It was Olivia this time
"What the message" I asked now with tears threatening to fall
" I know about you. Where you work, your addiction and best of all your secret.
"What do you want from me?"
"See that's the thing I'm never gonna tell you"
With that he hung up he phone and I put it back. I put my head in my hands and sighed. I didn't want to cry in front of everyone. I quietly walked to the bathroom. I got there and stood in front of the mirror. I started to sob.

"Amanda?"
I looked over and there was Olivia worried about me
"Liv" I sobbed
"Come here my sweet Amanda"
"Now what was that phone call all about?"
"It was him" I said through sobs
"What did he say Love?"
He said "I know about you, I know where you work and best of all your secret"
I broke down and almost collapsed but Olivia caught me
"Okay your gonna be alright" Olivia assured me
"Liv..."
"You're okay Love" Liv was like my mom but closer and nicer so I trusted her
"He Knows I'm pregnant" I choked
I continued to cry and Olivia stoked my head as she held me tight
"Olivia?"'
Yes my dear Amanda?
"I don't feel great"
Olivia felt my head and frowned.
"You're warm" she said
It was now a struggle to keep my eyes open and I felt faint. I thought I was gonna lose consciousness.