Victory and defeat

Panic Attack

I couldn't breathe I was sobbing and clutched my chest. Liv quickly got up and knocked on the window. Carisi and Fin came out and rushed over to me.

"She's having a panic attack" Liv said
"Hospital?" Carisi asked worriedly
"No just giver her a minute" Liv replied
"Liv she's turning blue" fin exclaimed

I was indeed turning blue. I couldn't breathe and I was panicking. Liv had an idea and squeezed my hand. She faced me so I could look her in the eye.

"Breathe, my precious Amanda, breathe
I suddenly gasped for air and started to cough as I regained air.
"That's it that's my girl" Olivia soothed as she tucked a strand of my blonde hair behind my ear.

I had regained breathing and still had tears stressing down my face. She held me in her arms and stoked my head as I cried. I stayed there until I was feeling better. I got up and it was lunch time. I wasn't feeling well so I decided to pass.

"Hey Amanda you don't look well you okay?"
"You know I'll be right back" I said walking to the bathroom.

When I got there I sat on the floor with my head above the toilet. I had a pounding headache and that adding on to that I was pregnant. "Why did Oliver say that?"
I felt my forehead and it was warm. I need to go home, but that was not the issue. I only have a couple more weeks till I start show. Then it becomes obvious. I know Olivia cares so she put me on restricted duty. I felt my forehead again and I felt like I was burning up. I threw up and when I was finished I headed out.
"Liv can I go home for the day I think I'm running a fever?"
"Sure I'll have Fin drive you home"

A little while later when I got home, I collapsed on my bed. I was feeling terrible. What was wrong it wasn't just morning sickness. I drank some water and fell asleep. I woke up a little while later only to find Olivia sitting beside me in the cold ice pack on me.

"Liv what are you doing here?"
" I came in to check on you" she said
"Why?"
Well you're running quite a high fever and given you are with child you're not in any way suitable to be alone. Also don't forget your caring for two now"

With that I rolled over onto my side to look at her.

"Thanks Liv"
"You got it, How's your head?" She said as she pat my leg
"Eh a little better but still hurts"
"Okay Amanda, I know you don't want to hear this but I gotta put you on restrictive duty. I'm not saying desk duty, you just can't go in the field as much."
"I get it. It's for my safety right?"
"That's right my little Amanda. Now I'm gonna go get you some medicine okay?"

I nodded as Olivia got up. Once she had left the room I pulled my shirt up so my belly was exposed. Once I was done with that I put my hand to it.

"Hi baby" I cooed
"I'm so grateful for you, Even if how I became your mama wasn't good. I love you with all my heart"

I rubbed my belly and pulled my shirt down. Soon enough I was crying happy tears. Shortly after Olivia came back into the room to find my still in tears.

"Amanda you okay?"
"Uh-huh I was just saying that no matter how I got this baby, I'm proud to be its mama."

Liv smiled as I sat up and took the medicine she gave me

"Liv?"
"Thanks"
"Anytime"

She smiled as we put our coats on. I was feeling well enough to walk and thought it would be good to get some fresh air. It was also a chance to Talk with Liv outside the office.

"You know Liv, you're a great person"
She thanked me and we talked a little more

8 weeks later
I was at the precinct doing some paper work when I got up.
"Hey Liv" I said knocking on her office door

I was at 10 weeks and almost at the end of my first trimester. My morning sickness had gone away and I was now showing. I could not be happier.

"Amanda, come in, how's it going?" Liv asked
"Good, um today is my ten week mark and I have an appointment with Dr. Pitchen for an ultra sound"
"That's great" Liv said
"I was also wondering if I can have the rest of the day off after it?"
"Sure, and call me with anything you need"
"Can you come with me?, you know for support?"
"Of course" Liv said happily grabbing her coat.

In the car even though Liv was driving she could still see that I was nervous.

"You'll be fine, the baby will be fine and everything will be okay" Liv cooed
"Really?" I asked
"Really" she responded

Once we got there ten minutes later I was happy. We signed in and Olivia even helped me into the hospital gown they would use to examine me in. Then the doctor came in

"Okay Ms Rollins you ready?"
I nodded as she got the machine out to see my baby.
"Alright looks like you've got a hearty baby, about 10 weeks developed. Would you like to know the sex?"

I smiled and nodded.
"Congratulations you're having a girl"
I gasped and looked at Liv. I could tell she was happy for me too.
"Would you like to hear the heartbeat as well?"
"Yes please"
It was the most beautiful sound I ever heard"
I finished up the appointment and we went back the precinct.

"Amanda how did it go?"
"Good Fin thanks for asking, I'm having a girl"
"Congratulations"
"Thanks Carisi"
Then Liv came out of her office with her purse and phone.
"Hey guys I'm going to lunch join me?"

We all ended up going and has a great time with great burgers too.