camp

chapter 10

lunch had gotten awkward after mark said that zain is supposedly scared. what would he be scared of? how does it involve me?

is he scared i'll come onto him? if so someone should just tell me. i'm not one of those predatory gays. i can take a hint.

ugh, this is making me crazy.

i thought i could put zain out of my mind for a while but being here on the dock makes me think of him more. it makes me think of that day we hung out on the dock. we were sat so close, he even laid his head on my shoulder at one point. i still remember the spark i felt. it makes me want to vomit just thinking about it. not because i'm disgusted, but because it hurts. it hurts so much.

i hate being so sensitive. especially since we didn't even get anywhere. we're still acquaintances in a way. i shouldn't be sad about him not talking to me. i shouldn't be feeling like i just went through a breakup.

what is it about him? why does he have this affect on me?

the sun is setting now, i wish i wasn't so afraid of the dark. i would stay out here all night just to avoid him. well, not him. just the awkwardness of us being in the same room. i hate that he's being a jerk, or is 'scared'. like what does that even mean? ugh.

i quickly leave the dock and make my way to the cabin. the other campers heading to the their cabins as well. i don't think zain left the cabin today, i wish i didn't care. but then i feel like a bad person for wishing that. this makes no sense, i shouldn't be feeling guilty. he's the one that stopped talking to me.

as i get inside the cabin, i see zain laying on his bed. he doesn't move as i walk through the door or pass his bed. his whole body is covered by the blanket so i can't see his face as i lay on my bed. i can tell he's facing my way though. i don't know if his eyes are open or closed but i don't care, i just feel like staring daggers at him.

i hope he can feel me staring at him, i hope he can feel my eyes burning holes into his.

"bed check." the knock on the door startled me, causing me to fall out of bed. of course i would embarrass myself.

i quickly get back up and sit on my bed as a camp counselor checks to make sure we're in bed. zain is sitting up as well. even the back of him is mesmerizing. i wish i could stop staring at him, i hate feeling like this.

after the camp counselor checks off that we're in our cabin, he says goodnight and goes to check the rest of the cabins. zain doesn't lay back down, he gets up and walks toward me. he's looking down and i'm just staring into him. i probably look like a weirdo. as he's about to reach me he turns left and enters the bathroom.

the breath i didn't know i was holding comes rushing out. i feel like i was punched in the chest. i don't know why i expected him to be coming over to me. but if he did i wouldn't even think twice about forgiving him.

how is it possible for him to make me feel this way? is it even him doing this?

the awkwardness fills the room as he walks out of the bathroom and our eyes lock. he doesn't look away, why doesn't he look away? he looks...sad? no, why would he be sad?

even though this is extremely awkward, i kind of enjoy it. i mean, i haven't talked or had a moment with him in a week. that doesn't seem like a long time, but trust me it is.

"are you going to stare at me until i explode or something?" his voice rings through my ears.

wait...what?

did he just speak to me? no, he couldn't have. the look on his face says he did though. ugh, i freaked him out. this is exactly why he stopped talking to me.

"s-sorry."

"i was joking, mate." he let's out a chuckle and i swear i melt.

"oh, okay." why is he talking to me all of a sudden? this is so awkward, just kill me now.

he starts to walk to his bed and i wish i could stop staring at him. he reaches it and sits down, he doesn't face away from me. our eyes lock again and the awkwardness intensifies.

neither of us say anything. it feels like the minutes are just passing by when in reality the time hasn't changed yet.

i don't mind looking at him, i actually think he's gotten more beautiful in the past week. i just wish there wasn't an awkward cloud floating above our heads. i just wish he didn't stop talking to me.

i'll probably never know either. i can't get more than two words out around him.

"liam?" the sound of my name being called pulls me from my thoughts.

"yeah?" what could he possibly want to say?

i know i said i would forgive him without a second thought, but we wouldn't be the same. i'd have trust issues with him and we'd have to bring this up in every argument. and i'm probably getting ahead of myself but can you blame me? this is a lot for a 15 year old boy. or well, me.

this is a lot for me, okay?

"i'm sorry, liam." he says it so sincerely. and that's what scares me.

he didn't even say what he was sorry for. how am i supposed to know he's not just saying it to say it? i mean, for all i know marcus could've told him to say that.

ugh, i hate this. i hate being confused about things.

i just need to know. i just want to know. there has to be a reason. there just has to.

"why?" before i could realize it, the words come rushing out. i guess there's no coming back now.

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