Many Chance Summer

Like a Butcher's Knife...

     I went back to out spot on the beach and laid there. I ate watermelons, listened to music, judged pretty girls in skimpy bikinis...All to distract my mind. to severely swerve my thoughts away from that night. That night that changed my whole life. That look. It all started with it. Little did I know at the time what the future would hold.

     When I start to think about it, my mind gets a mind of its own. If that makes sense. I lose control myself. I try to think about other things, happier things. How stupid Kendra can be, how pretty Caressa is, the kids I tutored and really helped bring their grades up in school, Petra's first homecoming and how proud to be called her sister I was that day. The feeling didn't last long. It never does. Her ugly self had to go and hit in another girl's date right in front of her. He didn't even like her. I tried dissuading her but I think someone spiked my baby sister's drink that night.

A chorus of manly laughter erupts behind me and my heart speeds up as I lay still. My body becomes rigid and I hold my breath. They can't be here? How did they know where I was? How did they remember what I looked like? Oh, God, no. Not on the beach. They're going to record it and put it on redtube, tagged Public Sex.

The laughter dies down and I breathe again. I' m so stupid. I relax and coolly look behind me. The boys, it young men, rather, are all chugging down beer. None of them I recognize. I'm being silly. Even if they were to show up one day, it's be a total coincidence and they probably wouldn't remember what I look like it even that they raped me. Fuck, for all I know they could've raped lots of other girls before me. I never bothered to find out. And I don't want to.

     My tired eyes begin to close behind my black shades, separating me from the rest of the evil world. Maybe I'll sleep alright. I tend to sleep peacefully in public and during the day. At night, in bed, in the quiet...that's when the nightmares return. Sometimes I can't take it and I just swallow a bunch of pills I get from Kendra. But they're bad for me and she's stopped giving them to me. I don't blame her. I needed to stop anyway before I fall into a deep sleep and wake up face to face with Jesus.

His hand teaches me, my throat is destination-

"Hey, Janaeya-"

"Ah!" I scream bloody murder. Warm liquid covers my body as he hovers over me, his weapon hanging out. His threatening body still hovers and I am stuck in my vulnerability-

"Janaeya?" He asks. But it doesn't sound like them. "You've been sleeping for a while and I saw you...cryin' or somethin' and I didn't know if you were ikay or-"

"Get away from me. Please. I just wanted to use the bathroom..."

My face is wet by now and I can't breathe. No. Not now. It's been so long since...2 months. I haven't had one in 2 months. This can't be happening now.

How did Diane feel when her boyfriend was stabbing her? That would explain how I'm felling right now.

"Janaeya, it's just me-" Confusion tugs at Jamaal's eyebrows and the corners of his lips. "Well, I know we technically don't know each other well try but-"

"Just shut up!" I growl. I can't think with him talking. In fact, I can't think with all this noise today. People around me look but I don't see them. My vision blurs and my heart constructs. God, where is Caressa when you need her?

     "Are you okay?" Jamaal lingers around, unsure of what to do. I need to get away from here. I need somewhere calm and peaceful and alone. I need to be alone.