Many Chance Summer

Tired of Holding Everything In

     "Hello?"

     I take a deep breath of the hot, dry air.

    "Hey, uh...can you-uh, come get me? At the motel?"

     There's a pause on the other line. I hear people in the background. They're laughing and there's music. God, why did I call? I should've called someone else.

     "Uh...is everything okay? Like, what's wrong?"

     "Nothing just-I don't now where to go."

     Susanne walks into the lobby but I hide move more sideways so she won't see me.

     "Okay, okay. I'm on my way."

      In five minutes, Jamaal is here. Just enough time for me smack the shit out of me and get my composure together in front of him.

     "Hey," I say, getting into his car. The familiar smell is still there and I feel sleepy.

     "Hello?" He doesn't move the gear into drive. "What's this about?"

     The more I talk, the greater chance for me to cry like a baby. Like the baby that I am.

     "I just...I can't tell you right now but I...I need a friend. Please. Just a presence other than my own."

     After what happened between us earlier today, Jamaal should be flipping and shoving me out of his car. He shouldn't have even picked up my call. But he did. And he's here when obviously there was a party or something going on where he was at. Why would he leave it? Why? We don't even know each other.

     "Okay. I get it."

     No you don't, bastard.

     We drive. I don't know where he's taking me. I don't even care. Usually I would, usually I wouldn't even call Jamaal. But today is not a usual day. After I left the motel room, I wondered the halls, having a panic attack. I eventually sat down somewhere against a wall and just let it pass through. I tried to think of Billy's words and how engaged he got me. At one point I even forgot I was having an attack at the beach. But by myself, it's harder. What has this vacation become? It was supposed to be nice getaway and a time to relax and be without parents. Just enjoy out last summer together before college freely. But this is what it's become. I've had more panic attacks on this trip than in the last six months. It really sucks.

We park outside a big, cozy-looking a beach house. There are no other cars parked here

"This is house away from home and college," Jamaal explains to me as he gets out of his car. "I hope you don't mind. I...I don't know where else to take you."

I don't care. In fact, maybe this isn't so bad. Kendra says I'm too uptight and that I don't live life. I need to be more like a secular teenager basically, right? Okay. I will. Normal teens got to random guy's houses, right? Alright, then.

We enter and it smells so nice. There's that slight smoky smell again but it's mixed in with the smell of fresh wood and cinnamon. He leads me to the kitchen and I see candles burning.

"Your house is gonna catch on fire," I blurt out.

"Nah, they're fake." Jamaal chuckles.

"Oh."

"My mom gave them to me as a going away to college present two years ago. They're actually kind of pleasant."