Many Chance Summer

Keep the Past in the Past

     "Hey, can we talk?"

     Erick is furrowing his eyebrows and his hand is scratching up and down his arm. He's nervous.

      "Sure." I shrug and look at Kendra. She shrugs but says she'll get my Starbucks for me when they call my name, or whatever their version of it is.

     "So, um...ever since you t-told Six and I about you..." He pauses and cracks his knuckles. They crack loudly, one after the other. "I just...you could've talked to us when it happened, y'know? You could've talked to me."

     I look down at my hands and shake my head.

     "Janaeya..." Erick reaches out and hesitantly touches my arms.  People walk by and I give an elderly woman a polite, but forced smile.

     "It's fine. I mean, it's not, but..." I shake my head. What am I trying to say?

     "Well, can you at least tell me who did it?" When I'm quiet, Erick lowers his voice but his word scone out angry. "Who the fuck did that to you?" He runs his hands down his face, distorting his nose and lips for only a moment before they pop back into place. He bends over to speak at me closely. "Someone fuckin' touched you by force and you won't even say who it is? Do you want them to be free? And not pay for what they did?"

     I am trembling against his harsh words in my ear.

     "I-I's not that s-simple."

"What's not simple?" Erick licks his lips hurriedly. "Babe, these have been out there, doin' to other girls probably. And you're just gonna sit back after what happened to you? If I know them, and I find out..."

"See, that's exactly what I don't want."

"They can't hurt you know. You know better. And you have us-"

I shake my head and walk away. How dare he talk to me about this here? And say those things?

"Janaeya, I didn't mean to upset-" Erick grabs my arm roughly. I'm already so angry. My whole body is hot and trembles as I whip my head around to glare at him.

"What the hell did you expect?" Erick seems scared and he backs off. I walk around the corner and leans against the stone wall, holding back tears. Not right now, not my make up, pleeeease...

I hear Anya's voice from around the corner. They've gotten their Starbucks.

"I'm not sure, I think she went over..." Erick's voice trails off when he sees me. His face is apologetic. I know he didn't mean to irritate or upset me, but I hate it how someone can stir up all these emotions in me so easily. It's like all these years I've spent building up my wall, creating this Tough Girl persona has gone to waste. Just mentioning that night or Kevin and Barry makes me what to crawl in a hole and die. I was raped three years ago, but it still feels like yesterday. I try so hard and I tell myself that the rape doesn't affect me anymore. That I've let it go, I no longer care. But it is controlling my life to the point where I am afraid to live. My life is not my own, and I don't know how to get it back. I don't know if I will ever get it back.

"There you are..." Kendra starts skipping towards me, me coffee in her hands. She sees my face and he smiles drops.

I quickly push off the wall and smack my tears from my face and eyes.