Make Me Better

Chapter 7

Sleep has become the only thing I long for besides sanity and tranquility. Every night I close my eyes he's there lurking in the darkness behind my eyelids, preparing to torment me with another twisted fabrication of what he's done to me. Some night as I lay awake staring at the ceiling trying to think of something other than the demon who occupies my dreams; I wonder does Jordan have the same issues like I do. Does he feel the guilt of ripping something so precious from me? Can he sleep a wink without seeing me under him crying and pleading for him to stop? Does it hurt him like it hurts me? I asked these questions constantly, back to back just asking them in the darkness of my bedroom and to no avail I never received answers. I'd lock myself in the bathroom just to cry to myself without waking Cat up. I keep her up enough, I can't deal with anymore pity and concern. I have my fill of pity and concern; I wish to not get anymore. Not like I didn't appreciate Cat being here, caring for me and helping me but I've had enough of her sorrowful gaze. I've grown weary of the sad glances, the hushed pain and regret that glimmered in her hazel eyes constantly. I wasn't a charity case; never was and I didn't like the idea of being treated like one. My Dad taught me never to accept hand outs because only the weak expect to be spoon feed or given anything and I wasn't weak. I laid in the bed staring at the ceiling, I could hear Cat breathing softly on my right side and sighed. I rolled over facing her back, I stared at her sleeping face bringing my hand to her cheek and caressed it. She inhaled deeply before she opened her eyes and smiled sweetly. I remember when this smile could chase away ever dark night and big monsters but it didn't not at least not anymore. Maybe because I wasn't 8 years old anymore, maybe because there was no waking up this time and no turning the lamp on; Just darkness. This was reality, at least my reality with every sting of salt in every open wound and bitter like poision. I looked at her smile not feeling that warmth, I gazed into those loving, familiar hazel eyes and didn't melt. I broke our gazes afraid that she could see, afraid that she could feel the drifting and the swaying. I wanted to hide it because I wanted those feelings to stay, it was important to me; Vital. I was letting it slip away behind a nightmare, behind a voice and knife-like words; I was crashing. I wanted to feel that warmth throughout my body just by a simple smile, melt just by looking into her eyes and find comfort in her arms; I use to feel the safest in her arms. Now everything feels the same dirty, cold and broken. The touches I was at peace with now made me flinch, the whispers I adored made shudder with fear and the soft better fly kisses I enjoyed made me cringe. "What are you thinking, Anaya?" Asked Cat, looking at me with concerned eyes. I shook my head, "Nothing, Cat". "I can see that you are...like you always do. The more and more I see you...the farther I can see your drifting" she muttered. "Ugh, Cat not this...not tonight" I groaned, moving my hand and rolling over on my back. "You expect me not to notice?" She asked, smacking her lips. "What do you want from me, Cat?" I asked, turning to glare at her, "I'm trying". "I'm not saying your not trying...I'm just asking what's on your mind?" Cat retorted, meeting my gaze and frowned. "What do you think is on my mind, Cat?" I asked, sarcastically. "I don't know...you haven't told me anything but...I just want to hear, be a part of your world" she explained, her eyes began to sadden. I sat up, moving to the edge of the bed and getting up. I stood up by the bedside with my arms folded across my chest and sighed; I felt overwhelmed with pain. "A part of my world? That's what you want? Well, you can't be a part of my world, Cat. I don't want to be a part of MY world" I hissed. I could feel her eyes on me burrowing into my back making me turn to look at her and shook my head. "Anaya, it's not like that" muttered Cat, looking sad. I smacked my lips, I went to the closet grabbing a black tshirt and dark blue jeans. "Where are you going?" She asked. I could tell by her voice that she was frowning at me, normally I would've stopped in my tracks and laid back down. I pulled my shirt over my head tossing it on the floor then I slid my long pajama pants down stepping out of them and kicked them to the side. I sat my pants on the floor to pull my black shirt over my head and then bent down to grab my pants. "Anaya, where are you going?" Repeated Cat. I stepped into my dark blue jeans, pulling them up and fixing my button. "Out, Cataleya" I retorted, turning to glare at her. "Out where?" She questioned, getting out of the bed. I walked out the room, Bear sat up on the couch tilting his head sideways as I grabbed my black converse on the side of the couch and sat down to put them on. "Out where, Anaya?" Echoed Cat, coming into the livingroom. "For a drink, damn. I'm not a fucking patient!" I growled, shooting up from the couch and grabbed my purse with keys. I went to the front the locks and opened the door, "I don't need you fucking babying me...I'm not a little girl anymore". I slammed the door behind me, I started walking to where I parked my car and hit my unlock button on the remote. I went around the car getting into the driver side and starting the car. My phone went off, I sighed in frustration pulling my phone out of my purse to see Cat's text message pop up on my screen.

Cat: Come back inside...I'm sorry.

I smacked my lips dropping my phone into my passenger side, I backed out of the parking spot turning to pull off and drove off. I made my way out to the apartment complex finally getting to the main rode and headed towards a nearby bar. Once there I pulled up to the bar I reached in the passenger seat grabbing my phone to drop it in my purse and stepped out with my purse. I closed my door with a thud, pressing the lock button twice on my car remote to hear the beeping and sighed. As I walked towards the bar I could her my phone go off; I figured it was just just Cat trying to get me to come back home. I entered the door; Loud rap music blaster ed throughout the building, I could hear voices clashing as everyone spoke over each other and a few rough laughs. On one side of the club was a a pool table surrounded by a group of men and a few women; The air was thick with cigarette smoke and the scent of lust. I made my way to the bar, I sat on the one empty stool all the way at the end of the bar close to the bathrooms and waited for the bartender to come down to my end. I looked down at the table, I placed my hands in front of me and fiddled with my fingers. "What can I get ya, sweetcheeks?" Asked the bartender, smiling. "Vodka and cranberry on the rocks...two of em please" I answered. "Rough night?" He asked, sitting two glasses on the counter and pouring the drinks. "No idea..."I muttered, looking down at my hands. "Two cranberry vodkas and a shot of 20 grand...on me" said the bartender, nodding and smiling. I thanked him, grabbing one cup of vodka and cranberry; I sipped out of the cup looking around the club. It didn't look like a place I would usually come to, it was dimly lit and had a rancid scent that hung thick in the air; a hole in the wall. I continued to drink my drink, time began to speed by at the end of my first cup and I moved to the second cup. I started to feel loose, I bobbed my head to the music playing and lipsynced when a song I knew well came on. By the end of my second cup I started to feel hazy, everything was blending in and blurring. I took the shot of 20 grand quickly without a second thought and sighed. I couldn't really hold my liquor since I've never desired to drink until today. The bartender came back smiling at me, " Here, another shot on me". I shook my head declining his offer and stood up; wobbling. "I'm good...I-I got to get going" I said, pulling the cash out to pay for my drinks. I stumbled out of the bar making my way to where I parked my car and dug in my purse for the keys. I pulled my keys out of my purse pressing the unlock button, opening the driver side door to get in and started the vehicle. I drove silently trying to be left to my thoughts as I made my way back home. I parked in my usual parking spot, I stumbled through the parking lot to my apartment and unlocked the door. I wobbled my way to the bathroom dropping my purse on the floor and went into the bathroom. I closed the door behind me, locking it and looked at my reflection in the mirror. I couldn't even recognize myself with dark bags under my eyes, my eyes looked so lifeless and cold. I put my head down feeling my eyes sting with tears, I turned the faucet on and splashed my face with water. I lifted my head looking at my reflection again ; Who was this girl? "It's your fault...your fault. You let this happen...you let him do it...This is your fault" I whimpered, feeling my tears fall. I moved from in front of the mirror to put my back against the door and slid down to the floor bring my knees to my chest; I cried into my hands. 'It's your fault'. I put my hands over my face crying uncontrollably, 'You made me do this'. I laid on the floor curling up in fetal position as I cried and wrapped my arms around me. "It's my fault" I murmured, "It's my fault".