Hope and Hardships

Chapter Twelve: Confrontations and Long Discussions

(Deven)

"Everything will be okay right?" I ask my mom again full of fears and newfound doubts as we arrive home without Daniel  who is now at his counseling. He was dropped off shortly after the doctors appointment leaving me alone now for an hour and in a slight comforting way I'm happy about it. I need some time to think about yesterday and today by myself and I don't want him to start to think things won't be okay. I don't want him too and I can't. He needs me to be here for him and tell him everything is going to be okay but is it?

"It will be Deven. Don't worry everything will be fine." she replies full of more hope than I have right now but I'm trying. I really am except I keep finding it hard not to have those doubts and worries in the back of my head.

All I keep thinking about is how Daniel is really feeling about everything. I can already guess not completely happy and thrilled as he thought he would be. He's still depressed, confused, scared and wants this baby to fix what happened last year. But it's not that simple. Nothing is that easy even though he wants to believe it can be. He's not okay or ready and I'm not sure I am. I mean I have my parents and Daniel has them too to help but that doesn't really mean this is going to be easy. What if something hap...no nothing is going to happen. It can't because he's already been through enough. He doesn't need something to bring him down more than he has been since last year.  I don't think he can take another loss especially when he was trying to get pregnant with the baby he's carrying now.

None of this felt real yesterday. None of it could possibly make everything more real until I heard the heartbeat today. Actually seen the baby on the screen. Everything is real. A baby exists that he wanted to have, our baby. And part of me wants to be mad and upset at him for thinking becoming pregnant is going to solve the constant sadness he's in. I shouldn't be happy because this can break him in the worst possible ways but I can't be mad. I am happy because we're together, he's carrying our child that was made between the both of us. I'll do anything to keep him happy. I don't want him to go back to being closed off and inside himself like he was right after he lost her. This is suppose to be a happy moment but then there's all the issues I can't ignore neither can Daniel.

We don't have jobs. We don't have an income. We don't have a house besides my parents. We're still in high school. We aren't prepared. Daniel is still struggling as he copes from last year and not to mention the date is coming up soon of when he lost her. Add in everything else I'm forgetting about at the moment it's hard as it is.

So where does a baby fit into our lives without making life complicated? Will it be possible for me? For Daniel?

I'm not as strong and put together as I claim to be on the outside as I truly am on the inside. I never have been. I've always been the person to lean on someone for support not the one to go to and give advice. But I've turned into that person for Daniel. I'm trying to be everything he needs. His best friend, his boyfriend, someone he can rely every day and it's been hard. I can't do everything. I can't be there every second or minute of the day. I don't how much more I can spread myself in every direction by making sure Daniel is okay and raise a baby at the same time. Will we be able to?

"Don't worry too much Deven." she says as she parks the car.

"How can I not?" I ask out loud, surprised at how calm she has been since yesterday. She's always been understanding and I'm thankful she is but I don't see how she can be. She should be freaking out, disappointed maybe. I don't know something else than being overly optimistic. 

"You can't always look at the negatives. I'm trying not to after last night."

"What did you talk about?" I wonder out loud before realizing how invasive I am being. The conversation was between them not me and isn't any of my business. "Never mind it's between you two."