Hope and Hardships

Epilogue

Five Years Later...

(Daniel)

I flip through another magazine I picked up from the side table in the waiting room. I arrived here too early and there is nothing I can do but wait.

Wait, read an occasional paragraph or two from the assortment of magazines they keep on the table to my left. Kids books, puzzles and magazines about raising a child.

I lift my head up at the sound of the door opening in front of me. A burst of wind as a woman and what I believe is her son follows behind her. Not looking thrilled by appearances to be here maybe for the first time. His mind set and determined to keep himself quiet and not say a word out of the fear the adult he is going to see can't possibly understand what he's going through. I can only hope with a reassuring smile he'll realize here he doesn't have to be scared. He doesn't have to be fearful or think he can't talk because talking to someone, letting everything out helps more than holding and building up pain until you explode. I should know.

I've watched plenty of people enter and depart out of here through the years. Plenty today already from sitting here for a short time. Some the same age from what I can assume but mostly younger kids and teens. It's made me wonder, think you never really know what's going on in someone's life. They can look happy, they can look fine but inside they're falling apart. They have pain and internal battles just like I do.

I feel safe here and comfortable talking to Juli but then again at sixteen I'd say the opposite. The first afternoon walking in here and meeting her freaked me out. Terrified me but not anymore. Life moves on but pain and loss doesn't simply vanish. It can get better. I improved the ways to cope and not hurt myself in self destructive ways.

I had to slowly let go of the past and forgive the people I thought I never could. Forgive myself along the way too in the long run and it hasn't been easy. There was no easy fix I could have to make it go away. I've had a constant day to day struggle despite the years to go by. I used to think I could wake up and be the same person I was before but it slowly became clear I never would be.

Everything came and hit me from every direction. I didn't understand how something could happen to me until I realized it doesn't matter who you are. It doesn't where you come from because it hurts the same. They're are no special privileges or passes to escape what can happen.

Most days I have are good. I'm happy and fine laughing but I still have those days I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to see or talk to anyone when it hurts too much but I have to pull through.

Juli has helped me a lot in the past to live the life I deserve to live and not be lost and in constant pain. Helping me, listening to everything I have to say and giving me the hard truth I needed to hear. Sometimes, a lot of times I didn't want to be here and believe what she had to say. I thought she couldn't understand. I thought I was pretending to be okay was working but deep down I knew it wasn't. I was lying and she saw what I couldn't. She saw something I didn't about how life wasn't always going to be unbearable.

I glance up at the same time I notice her walking through the hallway past the other rooms. I hardly waste anytime to place the magazine back on the table and give the teenager a reassuring look because talking to someone and opening up isn't a bad thing.

I take my usual spot as soon as we get inside and she does the same in the all too familiar room I've spent hours in talking, staying silent and listening. Months and years have gone by and the first scary impression I had of her and this place have gone down until I ended up here today. Deep down I know with her I'm safe in this room that hasn't changed much. I've gained closure and a door to new beginnings apart from the past.

"How are things Daniel? We haven't talked in about a month." she starts the conversation.

"Yeah I know it doesn't seem like it was so long but things are great though. Just busy with every day life." I reply.

"I can understand with work, Deven and Harper. His birthday was last month if I'm not mistaken?" she smiles in a confronting way.

"He's five already. I still can't believe he is." I answer, wondering where the years went seeming surreal to me.

"Years can go by fast sometimes." she smiles in agreement.

I agree with her without saying a word except nodding my head before remembering the birthday party last month. "He told me his wish after he blew out his candles."

"Oh what did he wish for?"

"A sibling." I say.

"How does that make you feel?" she asks.

"I don't know." I shrug, "I never...I never thought about that. I'm happy the way life is now. I don't want to change anything." I turn away to look out the window to avoid the concern look in her eyes she might be having.

She doesn't say anything and we sit in silence waiting for me to speak again but I don't. Not quite yet, thinking about the years to get me where I am now.

I'm not hurting like I was the first year Kylie passed away. I'm not at that low point in my life I want to give up. I'm far from that dark place I was in. "I just feel happy and complete with the two people I love the most. I told him maybe one day in the future but for right now he has his friends at school. I also told him having another sibling would mean he would have to help around." I smile, remembering Harper pout and quickly changing his mind.

He was easily distracted into something else and happy the rest of the day. He never did mention his wish of another sibling again since last month.

A small tiny piece of me wanted to give into his wish as if it is that easy but it's not. Our family of three is perfect how it is and always will be. He is my second chance I wanted so bad I doubted I could have him. I blamed myself for losing her. I cried and fell apart believing what everyone said before realizing I shouldn't be. I needed more help than I wanted to admit. It took me until I almost gave up by hurting myself to reach out. Save myself. Remember I have him. I have Deven. I have a family even though my real family is gone and not here anymore. I have people who care and that's worth more than anything to hold on and pull through.

"Does this have to do with Kylie? Does the mention of another child affect you in a negative way?" she says as I turn away from the outside back to her.

"Yes and no. Kylie always is going to have a special place in my heart but I know she would want me to be happy. I live everyday for her in a sense. I want Harper to have the best in life I would have wanted her to have. But having another child doesn't hurt me. It doesn't affect me in the way I wont because of her. It's not that. I'm just happy with Deven and Harper. Life is better than I thought it could be. I'm happy and I know that's what she would want for me." I answer truthfully with a true smile.