Hope and Hardships

Chapter Eleven: It's Okay, It's Alright

---> Sorry I haven't updated in months. I lost interest in writing and put it on hold as I finished my other story. Good news though is I finished the other story and now I'll be updating this story more often. I hope everyone enjoys chapter eleven after waiting months for me to post. :) <--

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(Deven)

I walk out of the bedroom hearing the door click shut behind me. My entire body freezing, holding onto the doorknob not sure what I should do. I don't even have an idea what I can do. I don't know what to think. I don't know how to feel this very minute to pass as Daniel's words replay of the conversation we just had. I don't know. I don't know anything as I get overwhelmed by the second thoughts of the reaction I had. I immediately start to regret leaving him alone in the room. I want to turn around and comfort him. Hold him. Hug him. Tell him everything is going to be okay. I thought I already did and he was. I foolishly believed it is but guess I was...wrong.

I was horribly wrong to not see how tore apart he still is. I believed he was okay when he said he was but now looking again I didn't look deep enough. He reassured me plenty of occasions, on the worst of nights when he broke down thinking I was asleep, that he was doing okay. He'd talk to me if something was wrong or just wanted to talk about anything. I told him I'm here for him. I told him I love him and maybe it was too soon but I do. I care about him. I'll always be here regardless. I'd never pressure him into anything he wasn't ready for but I hadn't thought the first time he approached me to do more than make out he would do this. I didn't think he would do everything to become pregnant on purpose but I'm half to blame. I was being careless as much and now I don't know.

I let go of the grip I have on the doorknob, walking down the stairs. Hurt, betrayed, and a little angry at him for not talking to me. For pretending and hiding the sadness he still carries inside himself in pain from losing her. He blames himself for her death he couldn't control. I just wish he would have talked to me, came to me instead because having another baby isn't going to replace Kylie. Another baby isn't going to make the pain go away but worsen his depression he has. He's not ready. I'm not ready exactly to have a baby still in high school but I'll try. I'll do everything I can. I just want him to be happy.

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(Daniel)

An hour has almost gone by from when Deven left me alone in the quiet bedroom upset and angry at me. And I don't blame him. I hate myself even more as the guilt surfaces to the top I never realized I had for what I did and caused. I didn't have to. I could have talked to him and not be where I am today but I couldn't stop myself once the idea of a quick solution to end the pain came into my head. I couldn't stop thinking about the possibility of how easy it could be to become pregnant again and have another baby.

"I'm so stupid. It doesn't fix anything." I mumble to myself sitting against the wall as I look over the words written down on paper. Quickly realizing I just said I'm sorry every way there is to Deven just changing some of the words and order in the sentence. I want to try to explain and make him understand but it's pretty hard to do that when I can't even understand myself.

I rest my left hand on my stomach where I know the new baby is growing inside me right now. Trusting me to protect and keep him or her safe from the very beginning until the end of the pregnancy and after.

I wanted this baby. I wanted a baby between us that wasn't created from something...bad. Yet at the same time he or she was made I was being delusional to think this was going to make all my pain go away. I had to be.

It isn't her. This won't bring her back. I know it won't regardless how much I told myself and keep telling myself it will make up for everything. It won't. It won't but I just wanted another chance...and I want her back.