Hope and Hardships

Chapter Nine: Hope, Strength and Love

With one last push the pain is subsided and the baby is finally out. This is what I've wanted for weeks, for months but the relieve I thought I would feel isn't there. I don't feel happy at all because I know it shouldn't have happened this way. I wasn't suppose to have the baby this early and that leaves me consumed with fear and uncertainty.

"It's a girl." I hear the doctor announce while she cuts the umbilical cord. Nothing but silence in the room instead of the sound of the baby crying like I thought I would hear.

"What's wrong? Why isn't she crying?" I hear myself ask, my heart aching at the sight of the small baby, my daughter being whisked away out of the room.

I can hear the doctor talking, trying to reassure me and explain what's going on but at the same time I can't hear anything at all. My eyes still glued to the door they took her out of, away from me. I know I've said I didn't want her all the time, complaining whenever I had to talk about the baby but none of that meant I wanted something bad to happen. It didn't mean I didn't still care under my dislike for the baby.

"Daniel, we'll do everything we can but you have to understand her lungs aren't fully developed. Her chances of surviving are very slim.." I hear the doctor say but I don't let her finish. I don't want to hear the rest of what she has to say.

"Yeah but she's going to be fine right? She'll be okay?" I ask the tears rushing down as I try to convince myself everything is going to be okay but deep down I have a feeling it's not going to be. Nothing is going to be okay and that scares me even more.

***  

Two weeks later:

"Daniel would you like to talk about how you are feeling right now?" Juli asks while I look out the window at nothing.

"Why?" I ask looking at her  irratated that I was forced to come here. I don't want to be here, I dont want to be anywhere because nothing matters to me anymore. I feel numb and empty inside and probably always will. I wish everyone would just leave me alone because talking isn't going to help.

"Sometimes it's good to talk about how you feel especailly after what happened." she says hinting at the reason why I'm here.

"I'm perfectly fine nothing is wrong with me." I reply annoyed at her, at everyone.

"Are you really fine Daniel?" she asks looking at me concerned.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" I retort.

"Daniel, it's okay to be sad it's natural. You are grieving the loss of your child." she says reminding me of something I've been trying to forget. Something I've been trying to convince myself wasn't true but instead some horrible nightmare I'll eventually wake up from. But I know better, I know it's true. But that doesn't mean I want to talk about it.

"I didn't even want her to begin with so it doesn't matter." I lie even though that's not true. I didn't want her in the beginning but that was then.

Everything I thought I wanted or wouldn't feel changed when she was born. I wanted her more than anything because she was mine. It didn't matter anymore that she came from something so horrible because she came out of me. She was part of me and it hurt me even more because I didn't want to see her in pain when she didn't deserve to be. She didn't ask for any of this and neither did I. So why was she the one to suffer instead of the people that deserved to?

"You might have not wanted the baby and that's understandable. You went through something tramatic at a young age. You were raped and became pregnant but that doesn't mean you still can't grive the loss of the child you carried. I know from our past discussions how you felt about the baby. You had strong feelings about not wanting her. You were going to place her for adoption once she was born. You even picked out the family she would go to but none of that means you wanted her to die. Daniel I'm truly sorry for you. You shouldn't have had to go through such an event but keeping your emotions inside won't help or do any good. You need to talk about her so you can move on." Juli says.

"This wasn't supposed to happen. She was supposed to be born on time and then I would sign the adoption papers. I would hand her off to a family that could give her everything I couldn't. She wasn't supposed to come so early and die days later. All this time I wanted to get the pregnancy over with and have her out of my body but I take it all back now. I want her back, I want her inside me kicking still like she used to. I can't though she's gone forever and it's all my fault." I say.

"Daniel none of this is your fault. You did everything you could it just wasn't meant to be. You can't blame yourself for something that wasn't in your hands."

"I know but it feels like it is my fault. I let myself be stressed all the time and cursed her under my breath. I didn't want her so bad that she died. She was so small and tiny when I saw her. She couldn't even breath on her own. I couldn't do anything to take her pain away except pray that she wouldn't have to suffer anymore than she should."

"Tina told me you seen her hours after she was born. Did you give her a name?"

"Kylie, Kylie Hope Johnson." I say looking down at the bracelet Deven gave me. Looking at the words that are written on it in bold print.

Hope Strength Love

All the things I need to get through this because I'm not the only person going through something bad. And there's always hope that things will get better and that's what I need to believe right now.  

**I'm not really happy with this chapter towards the end since it wasn't what I planned in my head but it's better than nothing. I feel like I was rushing too much. So I planned on one more chapter which would be ten years later but I don't know now. I'm not sure if I should just end it here and have you the reader make up an ending. Any advice?**