Hope and Hardships

Chapter Seven: Mixed Emotions

One Month Later: December 8th

A lot can change in the course of a month and a lot has for the better since I started opening up to my counselor. Talking to her about the past and the near future as I try to heal. Slowly figuring out how to move on and where I'm suppose to go from here. Even learning I can let my guard down a little and not have to worry because I have people around me I can trust. I don't have to live the rest of my life in fear.

I'm not going to lie and say that getting to this point was easy and that I'm perfectly fine now because it wasn't and I'm not. Talking about the past and opening old wounds wasn't something I wanted to do but I know I had to start somewhere. I know I will never be able to talk about what happened without it bothering me. It will always be with me haunting me and trying to bring me down. And I'm going to have this feeling of guilt like it was all my fault when it wasn't. Negative thoughts going through my mind that I'll have to learn to ignore because I can't let the past hold me back.

What happened back in July is in the past, simply that. A part of me now and always will be but I've come to learn I don't have to let all of this bring me down. I don't have to dwell on it when it isn't going to get me any where. I've thought about it a lot since it happened and it only caused me to be depressed and mad at everyone. Making me push all the people that are trying to be there for me and making it harder for me to move forward. I know it's still going to take time for me to say I'm really okay and finally be able to forgive my parents for not believing me. Because right now I'm still angry at my parents, Seth, Peter and everyone else for what they did. But like I said it's going to take time for me to get to that step.

I already didn't think I was strong enough to get to where I am now but I did. Deven reminded me I am stronger than I think I am. Letting me know I don't have to stay stuck in the past and wear a fake smile when I shouldn't be. I just needed a push to start wanting to take a step closer to the right path, I needed someone like him to bring me back to reality and remind me everyone goes trhough bad things in life not only me. I'm going to be okay it's just going to take time, a lot of time.

"Daniel, you don't have to do this today if you don't want to." Juli says as we sit in the room at the adoption agency.

I told her to come with me or more like she insisted to come along knowing I probably needed someone. I don't mind since I actually wanted her to but I didn't want to ask. I guess that makes me stubborn still since I didn't want to ask and seem weak. I even tried to convince myself I could do this on my own when I know that isn't true. I still need someone to lean on and Juli is someone I can trust now. Truthfully I don't think I would have been able to be sitting here without her because today is a big day. Today I'm meeting the potiental family I plan on giving the baby up to.

"I know but I want to, I have to." I reply a bit nervous.

She gives me a reassuring smile as there is a knock at the door and the woman dealing with the adoption walks in along with the couple that couldn't look happier. While I'm sitting in my chair repeating in my head,  'I can't do this. I don't want to be here.' as my heart starts to race.

As the mintues go by I really try to listen and pay attention like I care but I really don't. All I want is to get this over with and be left alone. I know how that might sound but right now I don't care.

I don't want to be here I thought I could but I can't. Everything feels like too much and I feel like the walls and caving in as I'm sitting in my chair blocking out the conversation. I thought being here would be easy but it only has me feeling more anxious and uneasy. I don't like talking about the baby growing inside me that I rather not be having. More than anything I want this pregnancy to be over with and not have people act like it's a blessing. 

I just want to hand the baby off and not have to worry about any of this anymore so I can be a teen again. I don't need to hear the couple explain their story and how they have been wanting a family for years. I can already tell they're good people they don't have to try and convince me. I don't doubt they will give this baby a good home because I know I can't. I just wish they would shut up, everyone.Can they not see the longer I sit here the worse it feels to me? Reminding me of everything all over again when I'm still trying to get over it?

"Daniel did you hear what I said?" the woman in charge says.

"Yes," I reply clueless to the question they asked.

"What's your answer?" she asks waiting for an answer along with the couple staring at me.

I look away not wanting to make eye contact and before I can think of something to say Juli answers for me, "Daniel and I have talked about him wanting a closed adoption. He feels it's best for the baby and for him."

"So it's agreed this will be a closed adoption once the baby is born?" she asks and I nod my head in agreement glad this is almost over with.

***

Thirty Minutes Later:

"So how did it go?" Deven asks as I walk inside the room.

I shrug my shoulders not giving a definate answer. I've gotten closer to Deven in the passed couple of weeks almost more than friends I guess. We haven't really declared what we have is or if it's going to last. I mean who knows maybe I've only gotten closer to him because I've been leaning on him for support. Or maybe I really do like him more than a friend. But what I do know is I'm actually happy and he's been there for me more than anyone else. That's all that matters right?

The only problem is I'm not entirely ready to let him know everything. I've talked to him about what happened here and there not mentioning much and he's listened but I'm not ready to tell him everything about what's going on. I rather leave the adoption stuff concerning the baby with Juli because I don't see what bringing it up would do. It will only cause more awkward silences like it is right now and that isn't what I want.

"The best it could." I answer which is the truth. It isn't like it could have been better or worse. Okay maybe it could have but I'm not going to admit that these stupid horomones are making me go crazy. One minute I think I'm fine and know exactly what I want and the next I'm on the verge of crying left feeling confused. I don't even know how that can possibly make any sense. I know what I want, what I have wanted since I found out I was pregnant. But then again I never went and met a couple that are more than willing to adopt my baby. Here I go calling it my baby again. But it is right? Mine, part of me at least.

This is so dumb I need to stop. It isn't mine it won't be because I can't take care of this baby. Yet right now I'm questioning if I really want to give up the baby I never wanted. I know it's probably normal but fuck I wish there was an off switch or better yet I could already have the baby. Then I wouldn't be second guessing the choice I'm making.

"What are you doing?" I say once I snap out of my thoughts and realize Deven has his arms around me giving me a hug.

"Giving you a hug because I thought you looked like you needed one." he answers before letting go.

"I told you you don't always have to pretend you're invincible. It's okay to be scared or sad."

"Thanks."

"For wha-" he says but I cut him off with a kiss.

"For being here for me."

"You're welcome. Now come on I wanted to show you something." he says grabbing my hand in his. I can't help but smile and be happy. Things finally seem like there looking up for the better but deep down I still wonder if it's too good to be true.  

**Sorry for the short chapter but I promise chapter eight will be longer. It will take place during christmas time since I realize I skipped Halloween and Thanksgiving. I'm not trying to move the story too fast but I only plan on writing ten chapters total.**