thoughts ≠ sx

singing in the rain

i am, quite literally, a basket case.

it's strange to say that you are weirdly unstable, but i have not gone a day without thinking why am i not happy of why am i nervous of why do i look so ugly and honestly, it's a bit exhausting.

sometimes i can't imagine my life past fourteen.

and it's scary, oh so scary, when you start looking at life as if it is some disposable thing, some reckless thing you can shelter to try and hold longer, but eventually it will crumble and leave loved ones in the ruin and you will just cease to be.

but i am a helpless romantic.

i partially think that is a truly wonderful quality, because it gives me hope and something to look forward to in even the darkest days, when the only thing i can do is turn on my side in bed and plead sickness, eyes shuttered to a close to avoid tears slipping, whispering youareworthless and youarenotworthless in equal intervals.

i never said i was sane.

it's hard, i guess, to realize someone is holding an invisible burden.

because no one has noticed.

my friends haven't.

my parents haven't.

no one has.

so i'll be here, dreaming of singing and screaming and laughing and crying and kissing and loving in the rain, hoping all those emotions and actions will somehow shine a light through the bleak darkness i have somehow coated myself in.

i can dream of white gowns and beautiful flowers, quiet humming when i wake up in the morning and fingertips stroking my wrist under and atop restaurant tables, lovely eyes staring back at me with a gorgeous smile that is reserved only for me, the one and only.

i can hope for a beautiful companion who isn't afraid to travel, but will remember that i am always afraid, that my anxiety is irrational and never makes sense, but they will try to comprehend it and get as close as possible.

i long for the one who will watch f.r.i.e.n.d.s with me and chat about our dreams on rooftops until two in the morning, someone who will drive me to wendys and buy me food when the pain in my chest simply gets too much and i need to get out.

i long for the one that will make me forget about all of this sadness and depression i am constantly wading through.

i can wait for those days.

(or i will try as hard as i can.)

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hey, lovelies, i'm nominated for FOUR dm awards! if you'd like to vote (thanks a million to people who do) its at DMAwards . thank you for reading xx

its also mental health awareness month, and i would like to vouch for everyone who feels sad when they shouldn't be, nervous when nothing is happening, emotional when everyone else is calm.

you're not insane.

you're not crazy.

and someone will love you.

in the mean time, i'd love to talk, if you need any help. feel free to message me at any time. at all.

-s xx