thoughts ≠ sx

vague extremes

opul • ent

dearest connor,

the point in which i set the pen on this sheet of paper is the first minute i regretted it, because all i can remember is the freckles splashing across your cheekbones and the green hidden in your irises and that vacation we took to mexico that feels so long ago.

for nights i've told myself that i'm being paranoid, that the millions of unread text messages and the words you didn't bother to say because you were worth more than me were actually nothing, that i'm making a mountain out of a molehill and blowing things out of proportion like you say i always do, but this time i am allowing myself to be right and not thinking i'm wrong.

even if it took me half a bottle of wine to write this letter and probably the equivalent of that and then some to send it, i am sending it. i owe that to you, and i owe that to myself.

you just texted me.

for the first time, i am not bending over backwards to reply, catered towards your decided mood for the day.

i think we should break up.

that sentence makes it sound negotiable, and although i wish it was, i am being honest and realistic with myself about how it is not a matter to be discussed and changed like a contract. this is not business, this is my heart and your heart and our future on the line.

you're busy, i get that. it's your excuse for all the clipped conversations and all the discussions about your life but nothing about mine, and about how this person is annoying you or this person is your new enemy or your printer broke at work today. it is not about the beautiful baby my brother adopted, or about the bridal shower that i was invited to recently that made me cry. it is all about you, and i've realized now that no matter how much i can devote myself to you, it is not easy to ignore yourself and your mind.

i ponder on if it would be different if i told you earlier, if i said something or if i told you i was unhappy, or if the tables would have turned and you would be the one quivering in anxiousness to break my heart.

please don't forget that i love you.

but i think it's important to take care of myself, and i'm not doing that right now.

and you're going to be reading all the words i'm too much of a coward to say right in front of me, and i am going to be remembering all the karaoke parties we attended and all the smiles and laughs and you are going to look beautiful even as you look up at me, floored that i had the guts to do this.

i hope it is not ugly, that you'll hug me and kiss my cheek and wish me the best.

i wish you the world.

yrs for ever.

xx

if i could fly,
samantha