thoughts ≠ sx

caeruleus

i sometimes ponder if there will be a day when the headaches don't burn my skull, when my eyes don't drift, when tears won't well up in my eyes when they have no reason to.

i wonder if this feeling that refuses to let go will ever truly be gone.

i wonder if the thunderstorms will clear up and i'll decide i like the blue sky better. but i've always known the thunderstorms..and i don't like change.

even change that might have a benefit.

people say intelligence is a gift, and intelligence too young will rot someone's soul, make them old and mean and cruel at a young age, give them too much wisdom and not enough happiness and let them trap themselves in a paradox and seek the numbness of a thinking brain that will never be bestowed to us, only in death.

i wonder if not thinking about your appearance, or the way you are talking, or your fingertips tapping, or how many times you've repeated the same word, is serene.

is it beautiful, numbness?

is it lovely, to not think for a moment?

to simply...live?

or is it as dark as midnight, craving the map to run and to think and to create: having the paintbrushes, and no paint?

is it lonely, to not have your internal monologue rapping your knuckles for everything, or does it make you feel loose, wild, out of control?

is it amazing, not to be tethered by your own mind?

is it too silent?

it's too loud in my head.

do you get scared of the quiet?

i'm terrified of the dark, of nothingness.

are their fairytale endings, when you simply let yourself just...exist?

is it scary, to have no control?

is it freeing?

do you ever stay up until 3am scratching at your skin and pleading for the thoughts to quiet?

do you?

[]

if i could fly,
-sx