Last Pages of Her Notebooks

I feel so down...

I feel so weak...

I feel so sad...

I feel so angry...

I feel so... Deep.

There's just really a lot going through my mind and life lately, and I'm just so depressed.

I think... I want to die.

People will start to care if you're dead, right?

Should I just commit suicide? When, where and how?

But, I can't just die...

I still have a lot to do.

Repay my mom for everything she has done for me and make her proud of me. Prove the people who does not believe in me wrong. Fulfill my dreams and... Live.

But, at this point, I'm failing and breaking. It just hurts so bad that... I think I want to give up.

I think I lost hope, since all I know is no matter what I'll do, I will always fail and fall and stumble.

Is this really how my life should be?

I guess... It is.

"I guess I should just do this." I whispered to myself as I reached my destination.

This is an old library in the woods that nobody goes in and I don't know why. It's so old... It's like haunted. And, I'm in front of a broken mirror. I'm just looking at myself while holding a... Cutter.

I have thought about this long enough and I don't want to back out. I'm so tired and I'm just a waste of space in this world, anyway. There's no use believing now.

"Hello." I looked at the mirror and almost fell out of balance.

I turned to face the girl. Is she a ghost? If not, what is she doing here?

"May a borrow your cutter for a while?" She smiled so innocently that I couldn't say no and just smile back, handing her my cutter.

"Will you hold my notebooks for me?" She asked as she handed it all to me and took my cutter.

I looked down at her notebooks. They're pretty cool... Beautiful.

I couldn't stop myself from looking at it one by one.

The design of her notebooks are flowers, butterflies and leaves with quotes about life and colored silver and gold.

1st notebook: Everything happens for a reason. Trust God.

2nd notebook: God's plans are better than ours.

3rd notebook: God gave you a life for you to live it, not end it.

4th notebook: He will never leave our side. That's enough reason to be confident.

5th notebook: Perfection is a disease and it destroys humanity.

I stared at the 5th notebook. Actually, it's the last one. It's not about God, it's different... And that's where I started feeling like it creeps me out.

"Hey." I turned my head to look at the girl, but, she's gone.

I froze.

She's a ghost.

The notebooks fell and I don't know why.

I looked down and my jaw literally dropped.

They are all arranged from 1st to 5th notebook, right to left.

"What the heck?" I shouted.

All notebooks opened up at the same time and pages started to flip fast and it stopped at the last pages of her notebooks.

Tears started to fall down my cheeks.

I hate myself.

I want to die.

Everyone hates me.

I always fail.

I always fall.

I'm just trash.

I'm not good.

I'm never enough.

I hope I just die.

I don't want to wake up from my sleep anymore.

When will this end?

I'm ugly.

I'm an idiot.

I'm stupid.

There's a lot more and its all about self-hate, suicide and emotions...

"Please, don't cut yourself." I heard a girl said at my back.

I slowly turned around to face her and I saw the girl a while ago, but, now... She's in tears and there are blood stains on her.

"W-what happened t-o y-you?" I couldn't stop myself from asking.

"I committed suicide. I was so depressed, like you. Now, I'm trap in this library. Please, don't end your life." She pleaded while crying.

"You'll just regret it, like me." She disappeared and the cutter fell on the floor, pool of blood.

I fell on my knees, shaking and crying aloud.

Suddenly, I felt arms wrapped around me. I shivered, its cold.

"A lot of people loves you... God loves you, too." I turned to hug her back.

"You're just 14 years old. There's so much more years for change and to fix everything. Be patient... Don't be like me, ended my life at 13." She chuckled.

"Thank you." I said and looked at her, forcing a smile.

"I hope that this will not stop you from visiting this place..." And with that, everything went black.

I opened my eyes to see myself inside a room so white. I looked at my side to see her notebooks.

"You're awake." My mom suddenly hugged me.

"I love you, Mom. I'm sorry." I hugged her back and we stayed like that for a while.

After that, I still visit the old place. But, sad to say, it feels like she's not there anymore.

I tried to just think positive and be happy, no matter what.

I realized that perfection is something I shouldn't be. Why? It just ruins me.

How could you learn without committing mistakes? How could you experience without regrets? Besides, everything happens for a reason and our lives are planned by God. He is never wrong, so, why be so down?

Our family is there and our friends, as well.

We will never be alone... God wouldn't let us be alone.

From then on, I've learned that suicide is not and will never be an option.

I should be wiser.

One time, I decided to open the last pages of her notebooks.

I smiled.

1st notebook: Thank
2nd notebook: You
3rd notebook: For
4th notebook: Saving
5th notebook: Me. ♥

No. Thank YOU for saving me.