Beautiful Secrets

Chapter 38

I lost my baby on January 20th. I miscarried. I cried silently to myself at the hospital when it happened. Not because I had lost my baby, but because I was relieved. I felt guilty for feeling like that, but I was not ready. My mom came and so did my sister. They helped me and made me feel better. Jimmy couldn't come till later because he was filming. He said he would take off, but I told him not to. My mom and I made amends at the New Years party and are on pretty good terms. She was pretty mad when I told her I was pregnant, but she go over it.

I awoke to the sound of Jimmy's voice. I looked around and remembered I was still at the hospital. "She's fine, the doctor said she may get to go home tomorrow" he said into his phone. I licked my lips and realized they were severely chapped. Ew. He looked at me and noticed I was awake. "I gotta go" he said and then ended the call. "Who was that?" I asked as I sat up. "No one, anyway, how are you feeling?" He asked. "Fine" I said. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Stevie." He said. I looked at him. He had tears in his eyes. "Hey, it's not your fault. I wasn't ready, I'm actually kind of relieved." I said. He looked at me with a confused look. "You didn't want this baby?" He asked. I scuffed. "Well, I'm too young. I would've been a terrible mom" I chuckled. He didn't laugh back. "What's wrong?" I asked. His eyes weren't full of warmth anymore, they had changed to hate. "I can't believe you! Did you miscarry on purpose? Did you try to get rid of this baby?" He asked a little too loud. "What-no! I didn't miscarry on purpose! My body just isn't capable of supporting a baby right now! I can't believe you would even ask that!" I yelled. He rolled his eyes and got up from my bed. "Where are you going?" I asked. "Why didn't you want this baby? Why? Was it me? Am I not fit to be a father for YOUR children? Do you not wanna settle down and be with me?" He asked in a more calm voice. I was in total shock. What just happened? Why is acting like this? "I'm not ready, I'm not ready to be a mom and I don't wanna be 18 and already have a kid to look after. I wanna live my life!" I said. "So I'm restricting you from living your life?! I'm not letting you do what you want?" He yelled. "Can you shut up? We're in a hospital" I said. He scuffed. There was a long silence. As if we were figuring out that this isn't going to work, that reality is creeping up on us. I felt tears rush to my eyes. "I love you" I finally said. He didn't look at me. "I really do......but I'm not ready to settle down and get married and have kids. I wanna live a little, and when I was with you, I felt like I was....but, talking about kids and marriage so soon scares me" I said. He didn't look at me, he kept staring out the window. "I got an acceptance letter from UCLA" I said. He twitched. "I've been thinking......I think I'm gonna take it" I said. There was another long silence. "Please......please don't do this" he finally said, still looking out the window. "Don't make this decision when you're angry" he said as he finally turned around and looked at me. "I don't think this is going to work. No matter how much I want it to......it's not" I said. "You're famous and successful and you don't need me" I said with regret. "What the hell?! I do need you! I need you! I went two years without you, I almost killed myself! I can't let of you forever" he pleaded. By now, he was crying. "You're not letting go...I am. And it hurts me just as much as it does you....but I feel like I made this decision a long time ago" I said softly. I bit my lip, trying not to totally bust out in tears. IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?! YOU WANT TO GIVE HIM UP?! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET HIM BACK THIS TIME! "Please.....Stevie. What about us? I know how fucking cliche that sounds, but goddamnit, I can't live without you" he said. I bit my lip harder. "You did....for two years." I said. "It was torture" he said. "I'm so sorry." I said before I actually burst into tears. He looked away. "I want this. I wanna go to college, I want to live" I said. "Please...." Is all he was able to muster out. "I will always love you. Even if I get married and have kids with someone else, I will always love you. You will forever be in my heart." I said. "Why not NYU?" He asked. I sighed. "I want to go to California" I said. "UCLA has been my dream school." I said. "Are you sure this is what you want?" He asked. I sat there for a second. "Yes" I finally said. "Yes" I said again. "What about after college? I can wait" he said. "I don't want to put you through that" I said. "I love you" he said. "I love you, too" he said. "Will I ever get to say that again?" He asked. "Yes. No. We'll see" I said. "I will always be here, no matter what. If you're ever feeling worthless or anything, please call. I will always pick up. Don't let anyone treat like you're worthless, though. You're not, not at all. I will never forget you" he said. He meant it.