Thoughts

Rant #1: People

A/N so I have a feeling I'm gonna be called an attention whore or high and mighty about this but I needed a place to put my thoughts and since it's past midnight where I live I put it on my iPad which is set up to automatically upload notes that have more than a certain amount of letters to some app and since it's already going to be public I put it on here as well......... So...... Randomness below......

They don't know me. Yes they know I love to read and eat and go to yoga but.... They don't know me. They don't know I spend most of my nights crying myself to sleep or that I'm constantly having suicidal thoughts. I mean I'm the girl at school that is always smiling and laughing even when someone is insulting me so how could I? How could I, the 'Happiest/Most Hyper Person At School' want to die? Only one person truly knows everything that goes on in my life. No, none of it physically harms me other than severe stress and knots in my back (hence the yoga), all of it is emotional drama. But hey, everyone has emotional drama in high school right? It's totally normal when your best friend tells you that you are the only reason he's alive right now or why he won't allow himself to commit suicide. Or when your brother tells you he blames you for most of the crap that has happened to him. It's totally normal to never want to get too close to anyone because everyone you have gotten close to has left right? Right? Apparently not. The last person I talked to about how I actually felt before my best friend told me to get over it and stop being an attention whore. But that's the thing. She was the only one I told and it was in the middle of the night at a sleepover so I don't really get how I was being an attention whore..... You see there's a difference between attention whores and actually needing support, Trace. But then again I don't really expect that from you now that you've told everyone else in our grade. It hurt. But so what. It's not like I mattered to you or anything. *sigh* I'm just tired of your shit, Trace. We promised we would always be there for each other. Then you were a bitch and spilled all my secrets. Then came crawling right back and I was stupid enough to trust you again. We haven't talked in 2 and 1/2 years and all the sudden you call me again, bragging about being the head cheerleader and dating my old crush? Telling me about how after I left you guys immediately got together, how I had been the one holding you back? Are you kidding me? You have never been a true friend to me and I knew that but isn't that taking it a bit too far? Because I never NEVER imagined the girl I used to play with on the playground to do something so..... Selfish. It doesnt even matter to me but i still cant get over the fact that you would be so childishly selfish and cruel. Are you that petty? After you hung up (not even stopping to let me talk at all really the whole conversation), I seriously just sat there in shock. Then burst out laughing. I used to miss my old home so much. Now all I can do is thank the lord that I moved. Because I.... I used to be so selfish. And I'm not trying to be all high and mighty right now but.... I'm not half as selfish as I used to be. I don't go and judge people by their choice of clothing anymore. I'm not constantly interrupting people because what I have to say is 'better'. My friends up here have shown me that the people with the nicest clothes usually have the ugliest hearts. No my friends aren't slobs but they don't have the fanciest stuff and all that. They have something important though. Love. And it isn't the romantic crap that fills stories about how a boy meets a girl and they fall in love and nothing bad ever happens again. No it's the love where no matter how bad somebody else is hurting we will be there for them. Even if they hurt us before. And you apparently don't have that love do you, Trace? So I forgive you. And again I'm not trying to be high and mighty. I really, sincerely forgive you. You used to be my best friend and no matter how mean you ever were to me, childish or not, I forgive you. And I hope you have the best life you can have. Even if it is with my old crush.