Thoughts

Rant #3: I'm done

I tell her my boyfriend’s been missing for two days. I tell her not to worry because he’s alright now and he’s home safe. I tell her that if it weren’t for me checking my messages I wouldn’t have known. And she tells me that I haven’t been working with them at all when it comes to my grounding. I haven’t been working with them? Really? The only time I’m ever able to see or talk to him is for about an hour on Sundays, while we are supervised and most of the time we’re together we still aren’t able to talk because we’re at church in the middle of service. And I’m “lucky I even get that?” If it were up to them I’d never see him or talk to him.

And then they say it’s for my best. Really? Giving up the person I love is for the best? Giving up the only person who can make me happy is for the best? Because if that’s the case I might as well do the same to you. Mom, you can never see or talk to Dad again. You’re grounded from your phone and you can no longer leave the house unsupervised. Dad, the same goes for you.

Oh, you’re depressed and the person you love is the only person who makes you happy? Too bad. Oh, you’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts? Too bad. Oh, you’re the only emotional support most of your friends have? Too bad, they’ll have to live without you. Or not. You know. Oh, you’ve been closing yourself off even more than before? Too bad. It’s for the best.

Fucking no. I’m so sick of this. He is the only thing I have right now that truly wants the best for me. If it made me happy, he would let me go. It would hurt the hell out of him but he would. As long as I was happy, he would do pretty much anything. And I would do the same for him. He wants me to be happy…. And you guys want me to be successful…. Which one should I choose? A successful life where I want to die every second of everyday? Or a life where I’m happy and loved? Because I know the one I want. But choosing the one I want means rebelling. And “good girls don’t rebel or disrespect their parents.”

And maybe I’m making a mistake. Maybe he isn’t the right guy for me. But that is my decision to make. It’s my heart to break. It’s my life. I’m not going to go anywhere in life if I let someone else make my decisions for me. I’m not going to go anywhere in life if I’m not happy. Mostly because I won’t be alive.

I think one thing that annoys me almost more than the fact that you’re trying to control me is the fact that you don’t know me half as well as you think. You say you know me so well but… What’s my favorite color? You’d say purple. And I’d respond with “And?” You didn’t even realize that I’ve been freaking out for the past 2 days. And then the first thing one of my friends (one of the “wrong” friends, according to you) says when she sees me this morning is “What happened and why are you freaking out?” What’s funny is the “right” friends couldn’t give a damn about the fact that I was so fucking worried and scared that I was shaking really bad and going in and out of anxiety attacks all day.

When are you going to learn that you aren’t always right? Yes, you are my parents. But you’re still human. You’re still judgmental. You’re still basing your judgments on what other people say without getting to know them.

And then, after me telling you that my boyfriend, whom I love, has been missing for 2 days because someone slipped something into his drink and he was left on a trail outside of Walden for a day and a half, you go “Why the hell he has been hanging with those kinds of people?” He had a single drink and he thought the people he was hanging out with were trustworthy. A single beer is less pure alcohol than a glass of wine and I’ve had a few of those with Aly before. That’d pretty much be the same thing as me having a glass of wine with Aly and a few of our other friends and after I go missing because someone I thought I could trust slipped something into my glass, him telling his mom that I was missing and his mom going “Why the hell has she been hanging with those kind of people?” You’re first response to that would be “That’s not the same! We know you!” yeah and you don’t know him. But I do. Just like he knows me. It’s the same exact damn problem. You just wouldn’t admit it.

Yes, I’ve told you some of the dumb shit he’s done. And I’m not proud of everything he’s done. In fact, a few things he’s told me I hate with a passion. But he’s also done some amazing stuff. And I’ve told you a lot of the stuff that I really and truly love about him. And instead of focusing on the things about him that are good, you focused on the bad. You focused on the reasons why he is such a horrible person and he shouldn’t ever even look at me and all this crap.

Contrary to what society says, relationships aren’t something you just give up on because one thing went wrong. Real, healthy relationships are something you fight for and you work on constantly. And taking away any way for me to actually work on my relationship with someone I love isn’t teaching to work hard. It’s teaching to just give up already, fighting for the people you love isn’t important. I’m not giving up on this relationship. In fact, all of this crap you’re doing is just making me more pissed off and determined.

And yes, I’m your daughter. You have a right to be protective of me and want the best for me. But I’m still your daughter and my happiness should matter to you more than whether I’m successful or not. And I got my stubborn bitchiness from someone, so buckle up and enjoy the ride. Because I’m not backing down on this.