Thoughts

I'm Sorry

“What’s wrong, Baby girl?” he asked me. He just so happened to glimpse me, sobbing under the desk behind the counter. I immediately began trying to force the tears- the tears, the red color painted on my cheeks, the quivering of my chin and fingers-I attempted forcing them back…. With no success. The dam had already broke and there was no repairing it until after the river- the bottled up sea that was my emotions- was completely drained.

He knelt beside me and gently tugged me into him, holding me protectively against his chest until I gave up struggling away from him. I didn’t want him to see me like this. I didn’t want anyone to see me like this, especially not him. My boyfriend was not to see me this openly vulnerable and despairingly weak, not yet. Not until after I showed him that I could take whatever he was ashamed of, whatever he had been debating telling me for the past month and a half.

I was just going to tell him that I was fine, that he didn’t need to worry or anything. But when I opened my mouth “I’m sorry” fell out instead. My voice sounded so choked and garbled but somehow he understood what I had said.

“Sorry about what…?” I could hear his concerned confusion. I shook my head, unable to get the words out even if I had been able to grab ahold of my swirling thoughts. “Please tell me!” he panicked, tightening his grip and subconsciously curling his body around me.

Suddenly my mind stopped spinning with the constant incomprehensible thoughts. Suddenly for the first time in my life my thoughts scrolled slowly through my mind in the most clear, concise manner. All of them the very thoughts that had sent me into this hysterical sob-fest.

“I-I….” another suffocating sob broke me off and my fingers fisted into his shirt, pulling him even closer in order to bury my tear-stained face into his chest.

I’m sorry that I’m a whiny bitch when my parents are forcing me to break up with you (who happens to be the only person who’s been able to cheer me up at all lately) just because I’m not eighteen and you have a bad past, even if I don’t know all of it yet. Which is also leading to constant screaming at each other whenever I’m at home. I’m sorry that my parents are doing this to our relationship.  I’m sorry I’m a stubborn bitch when it comes to this relationship because it’s creating more drama with my family because I’m actually fighting my family’s views for something I care about for once.

I’m sorry that I started crying during class yesterday because I’m failing three of my four classes because of the constant strain of drama and moving and no internet and the complete lack of trust everybody seems to have in me. Which means I’m probably not going to graduate this year. Which means I’m the only damn person in my family who won’t graduate her senior year of high school.

I’m sorry I can’t even give anyone a legitimate smile unless it’s you because I’m too damn depressed. I’m sorry I’m so closed off to everyone. I’m sorry I’ve been suicidal for 6 years and no one seems to notice or care.

I’m sorry I’m too nice for my own good even to people who treat me like the shit on the bottom of their shoes. I’m sorry I’m a damn good actress when it comes to showing emotions.

I’m sorry I hang out with the “wrong” people when in reality they’re better friends to me than the “right” people. The “right” people just expect me to be happy all the time whereas the “wrong” people expect me to simply be myself and don’t expect me to always be positive and happy and shit like that.

I’m sorry I’m a no-good, worthless bitch who doesn’t deserve to live (thanks for that, old friend). I’m sorry I’ve ruined her life every day since she met me. I’m sorry I legitimately thought she was actually a good friend to me and didn’t realize that she was just pretending so she could spread secrets and rumors to everyone that doesn’t like me.

I’m sorry to that other bitch that I apparently am just a lying whore who’ll do anything to get laid. I’m sorry that I didn’t realize a virgin could be a whore or that it was possible to spread your legs to anyone and everyone and still be a virgin.

I’m sorry I didn’t realize that standing up for my friend (who was molested for 6 years and has founded an organization to help sexual assault victims and could nor would ever even think about hurting someone like that) was the wrong thing to do when she started spreading the lie that he raped her. He would never do something like that to anyone. And anyone who has ever met him knows that, especially if they learned about his past. In any case, as someone who has a past with sexual harassment and sexual assault, I can tell you that anyone who has actually gone through something like that isn’t exactly jumping out of their seats to tell people. Especially not people they don’t know. No, they usually feel weak and vulnerable and do their best to cover that abuse up. They usually do what they can to make sure other people don’t know because admitting it out loud means admitting that it happened at all. Which, by the way, also goes for people who endured other types of abuse.

I’m sorry I did go through some of the stuff I have and that I let it change me so damn much. I’m sorry I’ve hidden that from the people I love, including you.

I’m sorry I’m not completely submerged in my faith as I’m expected to be. I’m sorry I believe there are some things that I need to look at separate from just the firm faith I’ve been raised in. I’m sorry that i try to support, encourage, and push my friends to be better people even though they don’t believe in some of the things I believe in. I’m sorry they aren’t those picture perfect people society says everyone has to be. I’m not sorry they aren’t afraid to show that fact though. I’m sorry everyone looks at them differently because they aren’t afraid of admitting their mistakes.

I’m sorry I can’t talk to any of my friends when I have the temptation to finally just end it because my phone was taken away when my parents found out I had a boyfriend. I’m sorry to the people I’ve let down because they text me when they have the very same temptation. I’m sorry I can’t seem to even be there for any of my friends anymore because I “made the mistake” of loving someone as more than a friend before I’m eighteen.

I'm sorry I broke my promise to myself. I'm so sorry.

I’m sorry I ever even have the temptation of getting it over with. I’m sorry my life isn’t as perfect as I portray it to be to the people I don’t trust.

I’m sorry I don’t trust easily, unlike you, my darling boyfriend.

I’m sorry you’ve had to go through a lot of the things you did, even if you aren’t sorry. I’m sorry you’ve had to do some of the things you’ve had to in order to survive.

“I’m sorry. Goddammit, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” was all I could force around the lump in my throat as he held me close. 

A/N so this was originally a bit of a rant and then i turned it into a short story and added other stuff.... I might build a character off of this in one of my stories. I'm not sure yet though. I've been pretty depressed lately so.... that's pretty much the only reason why i haven't been writing more. Most of my stories are more optimistic and my emotional state isn't optimistic so.... Yeah...