OPEN [boyxboy] ✓

twenty-four:: when you have your first panic attack.

(crybaby by Melanie Martinez)

TWENTY-FOUR: when you have your first panic attack.

It was silent.

It was so fucking silent in that room as Calum walked in to take a seat two rows behind us and by the window in the far left. Technically, he was a respectable distance away from me but still, my brain was on overdrive. My heart was beating too fast for my breathing and I was so paranoid, it felt as if he were breathing down my neck, everything came crashing back and I prayed to whatever force that had been neglecting me for weeks to come through this one time.

Maybe make it less quiet and if it were possible, strike me down with lightning.

However, the sound happened but the lightning didn't as Benji spoke up, turning around to look straight at Calum with distaste, his hand was getting tighter on my arm, other one clenching. "What're you in for? People finally realized how much of a pussy you are?"

"Ben!" I yelled, expecting Mrs. Radcliffe to speak up but when I risked a glance at her, her eyebrows were furrowed, eyes wide although she hadn't intervened.he was starting something whereas, I just wanted it to end.

"No. He's a fucking wuss," Benji declined, shaking my hand off of him when I'd attempted to pull him to look at me. I didn't want anymore drama, I couldn't handle anymore drama and I was completely done with everything that had been happening. I just wanted it all to stop, wanted a alum to not hate me... But Benji didn't get the message, locking eyes with Calum as he gritted out his words, spitting straight acid, "you're a pathetic piece of shit, fucking around with a sophomore and jumping your best friend because he's different."

"Benji, stop."

It didn't seem like anyone heard me, Calum just talking over me and provoking him further. Rolling his clear blue eyes, the same ones I used to find comfort in, he crossed his arms, leaning back and looking out the window. He seemed annoyed, his voice bordering on angry, "You don't know me."

Benji scoffed, laughing humorlessly, "Yo, you almost killed him, the fuck else I need to know?"

"You're an asshole, man." Was all Calum could supply and I could hear that weak argument, it was something he supplied when he didn't have anything to say... I'd heard it for years before at times when he wasn't as angry as he was upset. I thought back to Jonathan O'Riley's party a few months ago... When Calum was confronted by his ex-fuck and called out for 'humping and dumping' and he had no argument. He had the same look in his eyes and harshness in his voice.

It was in his voice, if you listened hard enough, you could tell it was strained. I watched his lips quiver slightly, barely noticeable, as he choked a little under pressure. I'd been so into him that I'd all but memorized his voice and his tendencies, like that tendency to wrinkle his nose when he was a bit intimidated. I'd been so into him that it physically hurt to see him, my brain was shutting down and the coldness in his blue eyes was all I could remember.

Paul, think about Paul.

But the curly-haired angel wouldn't come to mind as my head started pounding, I didn't want to cry, I was crying too much it was getting ridiculous. I was way too emotional and I hated it. I was just staring by then, the words not registering and I missed a lot of back and forth between them. My head was pounding so loud, I couldn't hear anything and I was wondering when the teacher would step in.

I wasn't fully snapped out of it until Ben had stood, fists balled at his sides. "Let's fucking go then," he yelled, nostrils flaring and I was stuck. When did this escalate?