OPEN [boyxboy] ✓

thirty:: when you confuse yourself.

THIRTY:: when you confuse yourself.

Double practice was ultimate hell when it came to Coach and we all could tell it'd be even harder than usual given our current situation. Coach had been yelling up our asses as soon as we all entered the locker room, running his hand over his grayed over beard and telling us to 'get our lazy asses in gear' and frankly, he wasn't wrong. The man mentioned scouts coming soon which had a shiver crawling up my spine and fear to encase me, I didn't dwell on the future yet though; putting it off, I told myself to talk to Paul or my dad about it before I became more stressed than I was.

The stress that we'd been going through was so bad to the point where no snide comments were made when Andy and I made our way to Coach's office.

It was silent as I threw my bag onto the couch by Coach's trophy case, he'd had around thirty different ones. All varied in size and there were pictures of him, younger -must've been around his late teens- his family was surrounding him and Coach looked happy.

Maybe the reason he was so stressed was because he loved the game and we were turning everything he'd worked for into shit. I averted my gaze, attempting to not feel like a complete failure.

And when my eyes landed on Andy's chest, I automatically looked down, gulping and turning back around as quick as possible. He didn't speak until I was sifting through my bag, I was sure he'd seen how uncomfortable I was.

"When is it gonna stop being weird?"

I furrowed my brows at that, when was it going to stop being weird? I didn't know. Maybe when I told Paul and Andy came to terms with it, maybe that would be the turning point but I knew it wouldn't happen. I was supposed to be a loyal friend, help him through it, keep his secrets.

So why did I feel like crap?

"I don't know, Andy."

He sighed and I busied myself with ripping off my shirt, putting on my uniform. "I'm sorry."

Biting my lip, there was an awkwardness in the air when my jeans hit the ground and I pulled my shorts up my legs. And feeling the need to reassure him, I shook my head, "You already apologized."

"I want to fix things, Jules." I was trying to tell myself that there was nothing to fix, that I didn't betray Paul, that Andy had no feelings for me. That was what was so hard: we'd fallen apart, I lied to Paul, and if Andy didn't feel anything for me... He would've kissed Benji or... Or...

Or literally anyone else.

There was something to fix and I realized that, nodding slowly as I turned around and crossed my arms in an attempt to make myself feel at least a little more secure. I had a boyfriend, I cared about my boyfriend and despite what Andy said, Paul was still going to be there. Talking about it wouldn't automatically ruin my relationship and talking about it wouldn't be a bad thing, "Okay."

He looked shocked, eyes widening slightly as he clenched his jaw as if he hadn't expected me to look at him. Andy fiddled with his uniform, looking around and speaking before his eyes could meet mine, "You didn't like it -like- at all, right?" And that was when he looked at me, fear clear in his almost-black eyes and I could tell that he didn't want to mess up where he already felt like he had.

"No," there was no harm in him kissing me, I'd established. There was no harm at all; I mean, I didn't really lie... I just didn't tell Paul, there was no lying. Paul wasn't even my boyfriend at the time. "I'm dating Paul, Andy. I don't feel anything for anyone but him."