OPEN [boyxboy] ✓

twenty-seven:: when you fail to make it public.

(Cool by Troye Sivan [i also suggest listening to Hey, Jude while reading because yes])

TWENTY-SEVEN: when you fail to make it public.

"Can I hold your hand?" Paul had asked as we walked back to his apartment, my eyes were on the ground and my smile was unwavering. I could finally call Paul mine and with that confidence, I felt like I could do anything.

That was until he asked to touch me affectionately in public.

My eyes went wide as he smiled at me as if it was no big deal, as if he were asking about the weather. My mouth gaped open when he looked at me with such nonchalance. And then I remembered that Paul was confident. A few stupid stares wouldn't bother him...

So why should they bother me?

I blinked before sucking up my pride... I bet that cashier wouldn't be scared to hold his hand.

And with that, I nodded and his warm hand slipped into mine and I thanked the lord that no one was around to see it at that point. I felt him place a small kiss on my cheek, my skin warming and I felt on top of the world... sort of the same rush I got when I played soccer or the rush I used to get when my parents congratulated me on straight-As that I always seemed to achieve despite being awful in Math. I hadn't had much of that since moving out and I definitely had fallen to a barely-C student but the rush was still there whenever Paul was around. My heart did that weird vibrating thing, a smile on my face as he tugged me closer by my hand and it felt right.

It felt beyond amazing and he was my boyfriend and that was all that mattered at that moment.

Until we turned the corner.

There were people, loads of people and Paul must've noticed my anxiety or he could feel that I would pull away because his hand tightened, still loose enough to be gentle. He was firm, though, attempting to get my tense body to relax and I appreciated it but with my emotional breakdown building up, all I could think was to get back to his place and get there fast. I didn't want to let go of him and somewhere along the way, I'd convinced myself that nothing could happen to me if he were there.

Rubbing his thumb over my knuckles, he leaned over, voice calming just how it always was, "they don't matter, Jules. Just you and me right now, okay?" He was whispering, my heart beats slowing and shoulders slightly slumping but my mind was on overdrive. It was impossible for me to keep my eyes from darting around in fear. Because that was it, I was terrified and I couldn't admit it out loud, my palms were sweating and I had to bite my lip to keep it from trembling but I had to stick it out. I was determined to prove that I wasn't embarrassed of Paul and even more determined to be a good boyfriend because he didn't deserve to be my secret... I didn't want to hide him.

We were making it down the street, Paul's voice reassuring me every couple of seconds with murmurs of "it's okay," and "Just you and me, just you and me."

I was relaxing and right when I thought I was okay enough -right when I started to think it was better and I could make it- I heard it. It wasn't much, not even enough to stress over, just a simple comment that I had heard countless times but for some reason it affected me so much right there. Maybe it was because I'd finally come to complete terms with being gay and I was starting to feel safer, Paul being the shield from hate but someone as insignificant as a stranger on the sidewalk could crumble it. Maybe the reason it hurt was because when people at school called me it, I could retaliate or push it off as stupidity. I had the security of knowing that they were just stupid teenagers but this was a grown man.

"Fag."

And I felt hurt, humiliated, completely and utterly terrorized and my throat closing as I tried my best to ignore it a slight shove to my side and a brief mutter underneath the man's breath as he passed with his girlfriend but I just couldn't.